~ Old Friends ~
Pic by Bluespirit
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Winner in The Jeds, West Wing Fanfic Awards, 2003, in the following categories: Outstanding Jed/Leo story - 1st
place Title: Old Friends To Bluespirit for the inspiring (and thankfully elfless <g>) pic To Anne for providing script information, the many lovely Jed/Leo discussions and pics and the encouragement :-)
I was a bit disappointed that the subject of Jed being beaten by his father (Two Cathedrals) and his subsequent sleepless nights and therapy sessions with Stanley (Night Five) weren't gone into in the same psychological depth as Josh's PTSD troubles were in the episode Noel, which I loved. Soooo, I thought I'd redress the balance. Mind you, I had no idea when I started that this would turn into such a long, twisty-turny thing with so many balls juggled in mid-air that I almost lost track. I hope I managed to pull it all together despite the complexity of Jed's brain <g> Half of this story takes place in flashback form and the other half deals with the present day. Old Friends By Xanthe 2002 Something was wrong. Leo hadn't worked as the White House Chief of Staff for nearly 4 years without having an almost instinctive feel for the running of the place and the people who worked here; and, most of all, he hadn't been the lover and best friend of this man sitting beside him for 40 years without knowing when something was bothering Jed Bartlet. Leo glanced at the man sitting beside him, trying to figure out what was going on inside the President's mind right now. Leo was adept at multi-tasking and could concentrate quite adequately on the somewhat long-winded National Security Briefing they were both sitting through while at the same time pondering what to him was the more urgent issue at this moment in time – what was up with the President? Jed certainly looked tired – he had shadows under his eyes but it was the expression in his eyes that concerned Leo more. Something was troubling his old friend, and while Leo knew that Jed could talk for America (and frequently did) on virtually any topic under the sun, he also knew that when Jed was troubled by anything that went very deep he held it close, and rarely confided in even those he loved and trusted most. Leo watched his friend out of the corner of his eye, trying to figure out what might be going on. It had all started a few days ago, after the Iowa caucus, but for the life of him Leo couldn't figure out what had happened between then and now to cause Jed to withdraw into his shell like this. He knew that Jed wasn't listening to the briefing – his mind was far away, and that was rare of and by itself; Jed never daydreamed through meetings – his mind was far too sharp, lively and enquiring for him to want to miss anything. Leo recapped the meeting in his own mind, committing the salient points to memory, and then stiffened as he glanced back at the President: Jed's eyes were closed. Admittedly the National Security Briefing had gone on a long time and was tedious – but all the same, Leo had never seen the President actually fall asleep in any of his meetings before. He nudged the President's knee surreptitiously and Jed's eyes flashed open. He glanced at Leo with a defensive expression as if to deny that he had been sleeping. Leo raised an eyebrow – it was all done very quickly, and Leo doubted that anyone had even noticed, but it just served to confirm Leo's suspicions that something was wrong; something was very wrong indeed. "Thank you, gentlemen," he said,
bringing the meeting to a close. "I think we'll wrap this up here." The room cleared slowly, and Leo followed the last man to the door so he could close it behind him, and then he turned back and gazed at his friend. Jed turned away, grabbing his glasses, and walked back to his desk. Leo remained where he was. Jed put his glasses on, picked up a briefing document from his desk, and settled down as if he was going to read it. Leo continued waiting. Finally, after several long seconds, Jed glanced up. "I was just resting my eyes, Leo," he growled, the warning tone in his voice making it clear that this wasn't something he wanted Leo to pursue. "Sure you were." Leo shrugged. "It's been a busy few days," Jed continued. "No busier than usual." Leo spread out
his arms. "What's going on, sir?" He asked gently. "Yeah. She's at the house in Manchester for a couple of weeks seeing the grandchildren and doing that charity thing she's been talking about non-stop lately," Jed said. He met Leo's gaze for a split second and then looked back down at the briefing document he was clearly only pretending to study. Now Leo knew something was up. He had never known Jed fail to respond to the way he was looking at him right now. "So, I'm just saying…usually when Abbey's away…" Leo shrugged. He knew that while Jed adored his wife's company, he also cherished whatever time he could spend alone with his old friend, and whenever Abbey was away he invariably made a beeline for Leo's hotel room or invited him over to the Residence for intimate tete-a-tetes. Abbey understood about their relationship and although she led an extremely busy life in any case, Leo knew that she often left town so that Jed would be able to spend some time with his old friend. They had operated this arrangement for 40 years, and it always seemed to work pretty well. Yes, Abbey had had the lion's share of Jed over those 40 years, but Leo wasn't complaining; they'd both had wives and families that they loved and wanted to spend time with and while their relationship was intensely important to both men, it was one that had, by necessity, had to incorporate a lot of give and take. "Yeah. Well…like I said…I've been busy," Jed said curtly. Leo gazed at him impassively, knowing when he was being lied to. Abbey had been gone for three days and as yet Jed hadn't made a move on him, so what with that and everything else, all Leo's alarm bells were ringing very loudly right now. "Sure." He shrugged. "I've been pretty busy too – but I've got a free night tonight. I'm looking forward to it. Thought I'd order something nice, eat in my suite, put on some music, have an early night…" "Sounds good," Jed said tersely, as if he wasn't really listening. "Enjoy it. I'm going to work late – I have a stack of papers to read through tonight. " He pointed to a pile of reports, head down, still not meeting Leo's eye. Leo nodded and then walked quietly back to his own office. He didn't need to say anything more; he had issued the invitation and Jed had rejected it. Jed never rejected an invitation to spend some private time with his lover when Abbey was out of town, so something was clearly troubling the President - and Leo intended to get to the root of it. Leo left the office early, and he made a point of sticking his head around the door to the Oval Office to say goodbye before going. Jed glanced at him, a curious expression on his face – one part hunger the other part annoyance. Leo wasn't sure what that was about; he had seen the hunger before – Jed had a habit of devouring him with his eyes when he was in the mood for sex - but the annoyance was harder to place. He wasn't sure whether Jed was annoyed with Leo or with himself – or with someone else entirely. "I'm just leaving," Leo said softly. "You're sure everything's okay, sir?"
Leo asked, testing the waters to see if the President's mood had improved
in the past few hours. Leo gazed at him steadily. "Okay," he said calmly, deciding that Jed still wasn't in the right mood to share whatever was going on inside that convoluted brain of his. He'd give his friend another day and then he'd start insisting. Jed didn't always like being pushed but he needed it sometimes and Leo was one of the few people he would allow to push him. Leo went back to his hotel suite and did exactly what he'd said he would do. He took a nice long bath, put on the dark burgundy silk bathrobe that had been a gift from Jed on his birthday the previous year, and then sat down to a leisurely dinner by himself, with Simon and Garfunkel crooning melodiously from the stereo, and a well-thumbed copy of Ray Bradbury's The Illustrated Man propped up in front of him. Leo had never lost his affection for the great science fiction authors of his youth, and frequently returned to them when he had a spare moment. He rarely had the time to give his full attention to getting into a book by a new author – it was more his habit to dip in and out of old favourites, re-reading passages that he particularly enjoyed. He finished his dinner, read some more, then glanced at his watch; 11.30 pm. He had hoped that Jed would change his mind and join him, but it was too late for that now. Leo wandered into the bedroom, book in one hand, glass of water in the other, and got into bed. He leaned back, relaxing, allowing the music to wash over him. Time it was and what a time it was,
it was Leo sighed – it was at times like this that he wished he could have a drink. A nice, long, slow draught of cool beer, or a short, sharp shock of warm, rich whisky with a slight after-burn. Or maybe just a nice bottle of red wine, full and fruity… Long ago, it must be, I have a
photograph Leo gave a wry grunt, and took a sip of his water instead. Memories. Yeah – he had plenty of those. He frowned – was that what was going on with Jed? Something from the past? Leo closed his eyes, recalling the pained look in Jed's eyes when he'd spoken to him earlier; defensive, guarded, lost in a memory of a different time and place… Leo knew he must have fallen asleep
because he woke with a start at the sound of a loud knock on the door. He
glanced at his watch – 1am? Who the hell had come calling at this time of
night? He got up and went to the door – only to have it knocked out of his
hand the moment he opened it by the full force of a minor presidential
whirlwind. "Uh, okay," Leo said, closing the door and putting the chain on it just to be sure. The minute he was done, he found his robe being grabbed and then he was pulled forward and into a deep, long, and extremely hungry kiss. He recovered enough to put his hands on the President's sweat-pant clad ass, and pull the other man close, but this kiss was Jed's all the way. Leo had long since learned how to roll with the punches as far as his mercurial lover was concerned, and he was happy to submit to having his mouth thoroughly explored by Jed's tongue and his entire body groped through his robe before he was, finally, released. "So, you wanted to talk?" Leo said, when he had gotten enough air into his lungs to speak. "No, I don't want to talk, Leo. Did you think I came all the way over here at this time of the night to talk?" Jed protested. "I just said that for their benefit." He nodded with his head in the direction of the door. Leo rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I figured
that – but I thought you might actually want to talk, Jed, seeing as how
it is 1 O' clock in the morning and I did invite you over here this
evening for a nice dinner, an invitation that you declined. So I
thought maybe you wanted to talk about why you think it's okay to wake me
up in the middle of the night to service the Presidential needs without so
much as giving me the benefit of your company for a civilised evening meal
first," Leo snapped, a bit more grumpily than he really felt. "I'm not
some kind of battery operated sex toy, Jed. You can't just storm in here
like this and expect me to perform for you on cue." "Yeah?" Leo raised an eyebrow, his
tone of voice extremely dangerous. "What makes you think so?" He asked
quietly. Jed, in this mood, was like a force of
nature and there wasn't much that Leo could do except submit again to
those questing hands and that exploring tongue, aware all the time that
Jed was manoeuvring him into the bedroom. They came to a halt by the bed,
and Jed stopped kissing Leo for just long enough to shove him backwards
onto the bed and then he climbed on top of him, undid his robe, and,
straddling Leo and holding his arms above his head so he couldn't escape,
went back in for another kiss. Leo gave up – clearly they weren't going to
talk about anything until Jed had got what he had come here for, and he
had to admit that he was enjoying the sensation of Jed holding him down
and kissing him so passionately. Their love making was usually a lot less
urgent these days and it was nice to be reminded of a time when they
hadn't seen each other in months and couldn't wait to get their hands on
each other. Jed drew back again and Leo took advantage of his lover being
out of breath to push up and roll Jed down underneath him, then went back
in and kissed Jed this time, impressing on his lover that he wasn't going
to get things all his own way this evening. Jed responded vigorously, his
hands reaching under Leo's open robe and finding his ass, which he
proceeded to stroke firmly. Leo grunted, and Jed pushed up, surprising
him, and now Leo found himself on the bottom again, with all of Jed's
solid body weight planted on top of him. "Brings back memories huh?" Jed grinned down at him, holding Leo's arms above his head again. Leo smiled – as young men they'd frequently wrestled and tussled during their love-making sessions, each of them vying for supremacy in a battle neither of them ever won. "Yeah," he commented, gazing at his
lover, wondering if Jed was ready to talk, but Jed's eyes were full of
that fiery distraction that told him he'd get nothing sensible from his
old friend just yet. "Why don't you get undressed?" Leo suggested
pragmatically, and Jed's grin broadened. "I'm just saying, that's all," Jed
told him with that same edgy look. "I'm not a pushover, Leo. I can hold my
own." "No, I'm just saying that you've
always had this kind of superior thing going on, that you've been out
there, you've fought in a war, and you've got into the occasional fist
fight in your time and you think I'd crumple into a shivering ball of
cowardice if anyone came at me with an iron bar or anything." "Or anything." Jed waved his hand
impatiently. "It doesn't have to be an iron bar. It could be anything." "Leo, I don't think you're taking this seriously," Jed griped, climbing back onto the bed. "I would if I knew what the hell we were talking about." "I'm talking about you always assuming that you're the tough one, the street fighter, you know," Jed told him, lying down beside his friend and reaching out a proprietary hand, which he placed on Leo's hip. Jed's hand was large and meaty and Leo liked the feel of it lying heavily on his skin. "I don't think I do know," Leo mused. "I mean, I don't think I've been in a fight since, well…" He coloured and shrugged. "Yeah, since you slugged me in 1993 – don't think I've forgotten about that, Leo because I haven't," Jed said, fingering his jaw where Leo had hit him in fit of a drunken anger when Jed had called him on his drinking problem several years previously. "Well it doesn't still hurt for god's
sake!" Leo snapped as Jed continued milking the moment for far too long in
his opinion. "That wasn't a real fight, Jed, although I'm happy to
apologise again if that's what's been bothering you. I was going to say
that I haven't been in a fight since I got back from Vietnam. I don't
think either of us are exactly street fighters are we?" "Why do you assume you could take me in a fight?" Jed asked, that edgy look intensifying. "Because…" Leo paused and shrugged,
not wanting to inflame the situation which while still fairly harmless at
the moment, looked as if it could escalate. "Jed, it's nothing personal.
I'm not sure it's anything to boast about either but…" "I'm not sure you should put all those clichés together in one sentence," Leo observed. Jed leaned forward and pulled Leo's robe roughly from his shoulders. He grabbed Leo's face in his hands and kissed him again, biting down on his lip. "Ow!" Leo shoved him off. "Jed – if you wanted rough sex you should have just said so. I can get plenty rough if that's what this is about." "Yeah, it's always about you
getting rough for me isn't it?" Jed snapped. "Well supposing I want
to be the one getting rough, Leo?" "Fine." Jed got up and opened the nightstand beside Leo's bed, finding the condoms and lube that were there. He flung them onto the bed, and then glared at his lover. "Fuck me," he ordered peremptorily. "Fine," Leo slung back, no longer sure if he was even in the mood. Jed got on his hands and knees and waited there expectantly. Leo frowned – they did occasionally use this position but it wasn't his favourite as he preferred to be looking at Jed's face when he made love to him. He sighed, and ran a gentle, caressing hand over his lover's back and ass. "Fuck the foreplay and just do it, Leo," Jed commanded in a terse tone. "I want you inside me now." "Okay, let's back up a few pages," Leo
said, "and I'll remind you of the fact that I'm not your wind-up sex toy,
Jed. You don't point me in the right direction and press a switch to make
me go. " Leo knelt forward and put his arms around Jed's stiff body, wondering what the hell this was all about. It seemed to him that Jed had deliberately engineered this argument although he had no idea why. What response had Jed wanted from him or was he just in a monumentally bad mood and wanted to take it out on someone? Was there something behind his assertion that he could hold his own in a fight or was it all just angry words about nothing? Leo pressed his lips to Jed's skin, enjoying the sensation of touching his lover as he always did. There was something about touching Jed that made his skin tingle – always had and after 40 years he assumed it always would be this way. He'd had other lovers, male and female, but Jed was special. He was the one Leo loved best; he had been his first love, and, if he was honest, his one true love. Jed had been the first boy he'd made love to, and it had never been the same with anyone else. He knew that Jed had only ever had sex with two people in his life – himself and Abbey - and he was humbled by that knowledge. There was a depth of loyalty and caring in Jed's heart that he sometimes did his best to disguise, perhaps for fear of getting hurt, but Leo had known him far too long to be fooled. Leo's deep, abiding love and affection for Jed over-rode his current disgruntled mood and he kissed his lover's skin softly, relishing the feel of it beneath his lips, so warm, golden and sensual. He heard Jed give a sigh and his lover's body relaxed underneath him. He was glad for that – if he'd just entered Jed and fucked him cold as Jed had ordered, he thought they'd both have felt bad in the morning. He trailed his lips down Jed's spine and Jed moaned and backed up against him. Leo squeezed some lube onto his finger and gently inserted it into Jed's ass and Jed backed up against him even more, panting a little and groaning in earnest now. "And don't you dare tell me to shut
up," Jed hissed. "The security agents won't come in." "I do not shriek!" Jed responded
hotly. "I have never shrieked like a banshee in my entire life, Leo." Jed gave a bark of exasperated laughter. "You're just a sadist at heart, Leo McGarry," he commented. "Sure I am," Leo grinned, moving his
fingers rhythmically inside his lover's body. "Banshee," Leo teased. "Bastard," Jed replied. "Is that any way to talk to a man who has three fingers up your ass?" Leo said reprovingly, wiggling said fingers in a way that made Jed sigh happily. "Leoooo!" Jed said in a tone halfway between a complaint and a scream of pleasure. Leo decided to put his friend out of his misery, and pulled a condom onto his ready cock, slathered a large amount of lube on it, and then slowly entered his lover's body. Jed gave a strangled shout and pushed back some more. Leo grinned. "You really *do* need this don't you,"
he murmured, going very slowly, teasing Jed maddeningly. "I could make you beg," Leo commented, placing his hands on Jed's hips to steady himself. "I could make you look for a new job in the morning," Jed riposted. Leo grinned, and, taking purchase on Jed's hips, thrust himself deep inside his lover, right up to the hilt. This always had the effect of stopping Jed from saying anything coherent, and instead Leo listened to the always nice sound of his lover's heartfelt mewlings of pleasure, which were emanating from Jed's throat in an undulating frequency. Leo stopped for a moment, just enjoying the view of Jed with his head slung back, his hair dripping with sweat, his entire body poised, and the muscles in his back rippling slightly. Then, he reached under his friend's body, took hold of his cock again, and, with firm thrusts of his hips began pounding in and out of Jed's ass in time to pumping his cock. Jed became even more vocal now, and Leo hoped the room was as sound-proof as he felt a suite this expensive should be. They were both lost in the sensations of their love making now and there were no words for several minutes as they enjoyed each other's bodies in a way they had been doing for 40 years. Leo felt as if he belonged inside Jed, their bodies fitting together, moving at one with each other. He paused, buried inside his lover, and lowered his head to the strong, broad back in front of him and licked off some of the salty sweat he found there, then nibbled his way towards Jed's neck, and nuzzled at his hairline. He loved the area where Jed's thick hair met the nape of his neck, loved the scent of it and the feel of it against his lips…reluctantly he pulled back and began thrusting again and within seconds he felt Jed shuddering and his warm come flooded onto Leo's hand. Leo thrust a few more times and then felt his own climax taking him. It was good – but then it was always good, Leo thought to himself as he came deep inside his lover's body and then came to rest, his hands wrapped around Jed's torso, his cock still buried deep inside him, his face resting on Jed's back. They were still for a moment, and then Leo withdrew and toppled sideways onto the bed, drawing Jed against him. "You always make me feel young again," Jed murmured. "Yeah. You too," Leo said, pulling Jed
around to face him, and capturing his lips in a loving kiss. "Maybe," Leo replied with a sigh, wrapping his arms around his lover and holding him tight. Whatever was troubling him, Jed still didn't want to talk about it. They lay there for awhile, happy and
sated, and then Jed pulled away from Leo, swung his legs over the side of
the bed, and reached for his sweatpants. "Home." Jed shrugged, pulling on his pants. "Jed, are you out of your mind? It's nearly 3 am!" Leo protested. "I have a driver, Leo. It's not like
I'm going to get ambushed or anything on my way home." "Yeah, yeah. Okay." Jed waved a hand in Leo's direction. "Jed – stay," Leo said, putting a firm
hand on Jed's naked shoulder. "I mean it. I'm not wild about you barging
in here at 1 o' clock in the morning and then shipping straight out again
when we're through." "I know – but usually after we've had
a meal together or at least spent some time together and not usually this
late so that we miss out on virtually an entire night's sleep." "The secret service agents will wonder…" Jed began. "No they won't," Leo snapped. He got up, pulled on his robe, and walked out of the bedroom and into the living room of his suite. He unlocked the door, pulled it open, and addressed himself to the agent outside. "It's late – he's going to be staying the night in the spare room," he told them, and then, without waiting for a reply, he shut the door and put the chain across it again. Jed emerged from the bedroom, his hair ruffled, still bare-chested, with an annoyed look on his face. "You think they bought that?" He asked. "I don't care – they're your security detail not your father – they don't need to question what time you're going to get home," Leo replied. Jed's jaw did a slight clench and Leo felt that once again he'd hit on a sore spot. He was getting tired of tip-toeing around Jed's mood without knowing what the hell was going on. "So you're lying to the secret service
now? Or am I really sleeping in the spare room?" Jed raised an eyebrow.
"Actually that makes sense. That way we can both get some sleep and you
won't have to put up with my snoring…" Leo steered Jed into the bed, took off his robe again, and got in beside his lover. He shivered against the cold sheets after the comfortable warmth of the bed they'd made love in, but Jed was as warm as toast and before long they were both cosy and comfortable together. Leo shut his eyes, enjoying the fact that he had Jed all to himself for a whole night for once – or at least what was left of the night. Jed relaxed against him, but he could still feel the tension in his lover's body. He stroked Jed's chest affectionately, and his friend sighed and pressed back against him and before long Leo had fallen fast asleep. He woke just before 5, disoriented, wondering what he was doing in the second bedroom and then remembered and reached out for Jed – only to find that he was alone in the bed – and in the room. He could hear the very faint sound of music and got up, reaching for his robe again. He opened the door to the living room and found his lover lying wide awake on the sofa wearing the grey sweatpants he'd arrived in and one of his own tee shirts which fit Jed well enough as they were of a similar size. Simon and Garfunkel were softly tinkling from the stereo. "Hey – did I wake you?" Jed looked up anxiously. "I'm sorry, Leo. I didn't mean to – I turned the sound right down. I borrowed a tee shirt – I was too hot in my sweater. Why do they keep these places so ridiculously well heated?" "Jed…" Leo came and sat down beside him on the sofa. "It's 5 am," he murmured. "I know. Why are we whispering, Leo, seeing as we're both awake?" "I don't know. Mostly I'm wondering
why we're both awake though," Leo replied. Jed shrugged and raised his
hand, in what Leo knew to be a clear attempt to distract him from this
line of discussion. "Old friends who aren't being honest with each other," Leo said softly. There was a long silence and then: "Yeah." Jed gave a long, slow sigh.
"I'm sorry, Leo." "Since when?" Jed shrugged, still not meeting Leo's eye. "Since you last slept," Leo said softly. Jed studied his fingers for a long moment. "If I tell you, you have to promise you won't yell at me," he murmured. "How long, Jed?" Leo repeated firmly. Jed sighed again. "Including tonight?" He asked, glancing at Leo from under his eyelashes, looking like a little kid. "Yeah." Leo reached out and put a firm but reassuring hand on his lover's neck and massaged gently. "Four nights." Jed made a face and flinched, waiting for Leo's inevitable reaction. Leo stopped massaging Jed's neck. "Okay, that's a long silence. Leo? Hello?" "I'm counting to ten. You told me not
to yell at you," Leo replied. "Oh what the hell, I'm going to anyway. FOUR
NIGHTS, JED? Four! How the hell are you even still functioning right now?
God, no wonder you're in such a bad mood all the time. Four nights? And
don't think I don't know that you stayed away from me because you knew I'd
wheedle this out of you – so that means you were deliberately keeping it
from me. At what point were you going to mention this little bout of
insomnia, Jed? When you keeled over in front of the senior staff? Or on
national television so the entire country could talk about how your MS was
kicking in and making you unfit to be President?" "No, you didn't tell me because you knew I'd ask you questions and I will. Why aren't you sleeping, Jed?" Leo squeezed Jed's neck, requiring a reply. "I have no idea." Jed shrugged. "Oh don't play this game with me, Jed. You've been prone to insomnia all your life and there's always a reason. What's it about this time?" Jed shrugged again. "Jed." Leo squeezed his lover's neck once more, trying to get him to look at him. "Leo…I really don't know. I just can't switch off. I'm tired – I'm so tired I could weep, but the minute I lie down and close my eyes I feel as if I'm wide awake. Nothing works – I took a sleeping pill last night but still didn't sleep – although I think it did kick in during that National Security Briefing earlier." "Oh, you mean when you were just 'resting your eyes'," Leo commented acerbically. Jed winced. "Yeah. Sorry about that, Leo but I knew
you'd make a big deal out of this and I thought it would pass." "No." Jed sighed. "I left the office
soon after you did – went to the Residence and straight to bed in the hope
of catching up on the sleep I've missed…but I just lay there, tossing and
turning. Gave up around midnight and came over here instead." "I'm sorry, Leo," Jed said and he sounded so abject that Leo couldn't stay angry with him. "Jed, sometimes I swear you're impossible," he sighed, moving his hand down to clasp his friend's shoulders and bring him in close. Jed came, clearly wanting the affection and comfort that his lover could give him. Leo turned Jed's face towards him and kissed him lovingly on the mouth. Jed leaned into him, resting against Leo's chest. Leo stroked his lover's hair, having made his decision. "Jed, I'm going to bring someone in. Someone for you to talk to," he said. "What, you mean a shrink?" Jed frowned, pulling back. "Leo, I'm not in need of psychiatric help for god's sake!" Leo stood his ground – he knew this idea wouldn't go down well, but he was determined. "You need to talk to someone – nobody can keep functioning without sleep, and you're the President of the United States – there's too much riding on your shoulders for you to start falling asleep in important meetings. Sleep deprivation causes mood swings and difficulty making decisions – that's a pretty lethal combination for a man in your position." "I'll call Abbey. She might be able
to…" "No – she's enjoying herself in Manchester with the grandchildren. I'm not going to worry her." Jed shrugged. "Or maybe you thought she'd ask the same questions I asked," Leo said, studying his friend carefully. Jed's eyes flashed dangerously. "Leo, I'm not seeing a shrink," he said firmly, pulling away so that they were no longer in body contact. "Yes you are," Leo replied, equally firmly. "Leo, could I point out that you're not my boss – just the reverse in fact," Jed snapped. "Don't you dare pull rank on me when we're alone like this, in private, just a couple of hours after making love, Jed," Leo said, in a dark, dangerous tone of voice. "Don't you damn well dare." "This isn't an issue about us, Leo. It's presidential," Jed snarled. "Oh, explain that to me please!" "If word gets out that the President
is seeing a psychiatrist…" There was a stung silence. Leo gave Jed a hard glare and he could see from Jed's expression that his friend knew he had gone too far. "I'm just saying…" Jed adopted a more
reasonable tone of voice. "I'm just saying, don't tell me to do this like
it's an order, Leo. You don't give me orders. You don't tell me what to
do." "I don't think it'll help, Leo," he said, shrugging. "I really don't." "You will talk to someone, Jed," Leo
said softly. "Are you sure you don't know what this is about?" "I just told you I don't know what it's about," Jed replied, a shade too fast. "Okay." Leo shrugged. "Well, if you won't talk to me and you won't talk to Abbey, then you'll talk to a shrink." "I can't," Jed replied, shaking his head. "You can," Leo told him. "I won't," Jed flashed back, a trace of petulance in his eyes. Leo's expression hardened. "You. Will," he said, with a note of finality in his voice. They stared at each other for a long time, and then, finally, Jed broke. He sighed, and rubbed his face wearily. "Who?" He asked, a catch in his voice. "Stanley Keyworth." "Stanley Keyworth?" Jed frowned. "The guy I called in for Josh. He's
good, he knows what he's doing, and he's got the kind of personal style I
think you'll respond to. He didn't go easy on Josh – he's combative, and
he won't take any of the shit you'll throw at him." "You know what you're like, Jed," Leo continued implacably. "You need someone who'll stand up to you or you'll walk all over them – I expect you'll try to walk all over Stanley but I think he's strong enough to take you." "He's a trauma specialist," Jed pointed out. "Insomnia isn't his area." "He's a shrink, and a good one. We know he's good at his job and we know he'll keep his mouth shut." Leo shrugged. "I really don't want to do this, Leo," Jed told him miserably. Leo smiled, sensing the battle was all but over. He pulled his old friend close and kissed him again. "I know," he said. "And you know
something else – I really didn't want to go to rehab, Jed." "Sure.” Leo nodded, putting through a call to the White House to get the number he needed. "Leo, it's 5.30 in the morning!" "Yes it is – and that means it's
another night the President has gone without sleep. His Chief of Staff
didn't get much either," Leo commented. "We're calling him, Jed. I want
you to talk to him before another night passes." "I have no idea – but the sooner we get him here the sooner it's likely that you'll get some rest and then maybe you'll ease up on the grouchy bear routine." "You think he'll be able to just drop everything and get over here?" Leo raised an eyebrow. "When the White House calls I expect him to do just that, yes," he said firmly. Jed gave a wry smile. "Well, as long as I'm not the only one getting his ass kicked by Leo McGarry tonight," he commented. Leo rolled his eyes, then walked into the main bedroom and dialled the number he had been given. The phone rang several times and then a sleepy Doctor Keyworth answered. His tone woke up considerably when he realised who was calling and he agreed, with only a little firm insistence on Leo’s part, to clear his schedule, arrange a flight, and be in Washington DC by late the following night. Leo didn’t enlighten him as to who he’d be seeing – in fact he subtly implied that it was Josh he was worried about, and not the President. He decided that it would be a good idea to let Josh seem to be giving Keyworth a tour of the White House when he arrived – that was the best way to get him into the Residence. A meeting like this couldn’t take place in the West Wing – it was far too sensitive for that. No, it would have to take place in the Residence. As always, Leo’s active mind was one step ahead as he considered the best way to go about the arrangements and he was confident that this was as discreet as he could make it. Leo finished with the call, and then returned to the sofa. Jed gazed at him mournfully as he came in, a hangdog expression on his face. When he wasn’t being the President of the United States, when he was just being Jed, his Jed, the one he’d known since they were both 17 years old, then he really could be very endearing, Leo thought with a sigh. He shook his head, still wanting to be angry with his lover but a memory of a boy with thick dark hair and gentle if impatient blue eyes made it impossible. Right now, Jed was that boy again, and Leo never could resist him when he looked like this. Leo picked up Jed's bare feet, sat down on the sofa still holding them, and then began massaging them with his fingers. Jed sighed and relaxed back into the sofa, a smile playing over his mobile lips. It felt good being just Jed and Leo again, when so often nowadays they were President and Chief of Staff. It felt good to touch base and remember the wealth of shared experiences and mutual affection that bound them so inextricably together after all these years. "You know – we have a couple of hours until we need to be at the office…and seeing as we're both awake…" Leo grinned. Jed looked at him from out of those infinitely tired eyes and grinned back. "Leo – I'd choose you over sleep any day," he said. 1963 Jed parked his car and ran into the bus station as fast as he could, hoping he wasn't late. His stomach was churning and he was still cursing the damn car under his breath. Sometimes it started and sometimes it didn't and it had to pick today, of all days, to decide to be difficult. He'd managed to get it going eventually but it had taken nearly an hour and while he'd left plenty of time for this particular journey, he was still a few minutes late. He hoped Leo's bus hadn't arrived already, leaving his friend waiting. This reunion was fraught enough as it was; Jed hadn't seen Leo for a year and he was uncertain what to expect. They'd met the previous summer at Boy's Nation, had fallen in love and slept together in a way that still shocked Jed when he really sat down and thought about it. When he was apart from Leo he found it hard to believe that they had really done all the things he remembered them doing. He knew he'd been swept along on the wave of some strong emotion but it all seemed so unreal now. He had been corresponding with Leo ever since, and always looked forward to his friend's long, intelligent letters with a passion that never seemed to fade. Now, after a year apart, Leo was coming to stay for the summer, and Jed was overwhelmed by a combination of nervousness and excitement so acute that he thought his entire body would burn up. He had struggled with his feelings this past year, trying to convince himself that they weren't as strong as he thought, that this was just a passing phase. He had never felt like this about any of the boys at school, had never looked at boys the way he looked at Leo, and he was confused. He wasn't sure what to expect from this reunion – would he still feel the same way about Leo, or had the spell of that magical summer passed? Maybe their feelings could only exist in a certain place and time. Jed wasn't sure what he wanted – he longed to feel that tingling, electric charge that he remembered so well, but at the same time his feelings and the implications of falling in love with another boy scared the hell out of him. What would his family say if they knew? Did this mean he was homosexual? Would he never have the wife and family he had always assumed would one day be his and all the happiness that went with them? Lost and confused Jed had turned increasingly to his religion for answers, and the one answer that came up each time was that he had to end his relationship with Leo. He tried not opening Leo's letters but was too weak willed to resist – Leo's letters were his lifeline in an emotionally sterile life. His relationship with his father was difficult and at times painful, and Leo gave him an easy affection he had never known before. He found himself longing for those letters too much not to open them. Then he tried to make himself reply in an offhand way, to snub Leo, or dismiss whatever he said in a brusque fashion, but Leo always wrote back with a steady affection – he didn't seem to have the confusion and mood swings that Jed was beset by. So now, a whole year later, Jed was waiting to meet Leo at the bus station with no idea what to expect. The bus was fifteen minutes late, by which time Jed's emotions had been stoked up even more. He stood with his hands in his pocket, wondering what would happen, wondering how he'd feel seeing Leo again after all this time, wondering whether Leo had changed – or, more importantly, whether his feelings for Leo had changed. He searched the passengers getting off the bus with some impatience, and his heart missed a beat as he caught sight of a familiar stocky figure and a blond head. Seemingly not of his own volition, he found his feet moving swiftly to meet his – what? Friend? Lover? "Jed?" Leo had seen him and now Jed found his feet were running faster, and he was charging across the bus station towards the other boy. "Jed!" Jed stopped a few feet from the youth he hadn't seen for a year and studied him, trying to gauge his own emotions, trying to figure out what he was feeling, but all he could think about was how Leo was as attractive this year as he had been last year. His hair was shorter – shorn into a crop, but those blue eyes were still sparkling, full of quiet amusement, that quirky mouth was smiling that familiar impish grin, and that strong jaw was still jutting out obstinately. "Leo!" He closed the remaining distance
between them and gazed at his friend, transfixed. Leo held out his hand
and Jed took it – and immediately felt that erotic, electric charge leap
straight through his skin and all the way to his groin. He'd never known
that just shaking someone's hand could cause this reaction but it always
happened with Leo and that hadn't changed. He wasn't sure if he was
relieved or annoyed about that. Leo shook his hand vigorously and then
leaned forward and whispered into Jed's ear: Jed felt a tingling on his skin and a humming of the blood in his veins and then he knew that nothing had changed. It didn't matter that a year had passed since they'd last set eyes on each other, or that he was scared by the intensity of what had happened between them last summer – when he was with Leo all his doubts disappeared. "Me too," he whispered back, meaning it, and Leo grinned at him and squeezed his hand even harder. Finally they broke apart and Jed found that he missed that erotically charged touch of skin on skin so much that it actually physically hurt. He grabbed Leo's small suitcase from his friend’s hand and walked as close to Leo as he could on the way to the car, their shoulders and thighs occasionally brushing each other and each time sparking that electric current running between them. By the time they reached the car, Jed was in a fever pitch of excitement and he knew that Leo felt the same. He slung Leo's case in the back of the car and they both got in. Jed turned the key in the ignition and Leo winced as the car made a grinding sound in response. "What's wrong with your car?" He asked as Jed turned the key again. "I have no idea. I've taken the thing apart but it still doesn’t work," he sighed. "I'll fix it," Leo said confidently. "You know about cars?" Jed asked in surprise. Leo shrugged. "A little. I bet that between us we can fix it," Leo grinned, with an infectious confidence. There was no room for any doubt whatsoever in his voice – and Jed knew that Leo totally and absolutely believed that they could fix the car. Jed gazed at his friend in a haze of hero worship and then gave a peal of delighted laughter. Leo looked at him for a moment, and then joined in. "Oh god I've missed you," Jed said,
still laughing stupidly. "Nobody else is like you." "Did you worry?" Jed asked suddenly. "Worry?" Leo frowned. "That it might not be the same? That it was just one of those things? That we'd both have changed?" Jed blurted out. Leo looked surprised. "No, I wasn't worried about that, Jed," he said softly. "I don't think I'll ever worry about that. It'll never happen." Jed felt strangely calmed by his friend's assurance. It was if Leo had put his finger on some essential element about their relationship – it was something that neither of them had any control over. It was a constant in their lives and always would be. Nothing could ever change the way they felt about each other. Not now, and not at any point in the future. It almost had the feeling of being somehow ordained, or decreed, although whether by fate, chance or God, Jed was unable to say. He turned the key in the ignition again and this time the engine sprang into life. They talked non-stop as Jed drove them back to the school. "Did you know that the day after
tomorrow is June 17th?" Jed said, glancing at Leo. "We met last year for the first time on June 17th!" Jed told him, his dark hair flopping into his eyes. "I can't believe you don't remember that!" Leo suddenly broke into a wide grin and he reached out to flick Jed's hair off his forehead. "Had you!" He laughed. Jed frowned at his friend in annoyance. "What?" "So why…?" Jed began grumpily. "Because you're cute when you're angry," Leo grinned. "And because you are waaaay too gullible and that makes you lotsa fun to tease." "I'll get you back for that," Jed said, feeling impossibly happy. There was something about being with Leo that just felt so right. "Oh yeah?" Leo grinned at him sideways. "Yeah!" Jed proclaimed, little realising that he was starting a battle that would last for the rest of their lives. "Jed…" Leo glanced around the quiet
country road they were driving along. "Is there anywhere we could go?" "It's pretty quiet out here," Leo said seductively, putting his hand on Jed's neck and stroking gently. "And I don't think I can wait much longer. I've wanted you from the second I saw you at the station and if we don't pull off somewhere soon then I'm going to have an accident here." He grinned in the direction of his pants. Jed swallowed hard and glanced around. "We're about twenty minutes from the school. There's a little road just down here that nobody ever uses – it leads to an old mine and it's completely hidden by trees," he said. "Sounds perfect," Leo told him, with a smile of such sexual hunger that Jed's cock hardened instantly. Jed put his foot down and drove the next couple of miles to the turning as fast as he could, as eager as Leo was to renew their relationship. The turning he had mentioned was perfect, completely hidden from the road and never used by any other cars as it didn't lead anywhere. Jed drove half way along it, and then stopped the car, and Leo grabbed him the moment he put the hand brake on. That first kiss almost stopped Jed's heart. Leo's lips were both familiar and unfamiliar. He remembered now the exquisite joy of kissing Leo, of feeling those insistent lips against his mouth, of the smell of Leo, the taste of him, and the feel of those hard, young muscles against his own hard, young body. Leo's hands fumbled insistently at Jed's shirt and he pulled it open. He stroked Jed's chest and then went lower, tugging at Jed's belt insistently, his mouth still devouring Jed's mouth. Jed wrapped his arms around Leo and slid his hands down the back of Leo's pants, finding Leo's ass. Leo's cock was digging into his thigh and his own was so hard that it hurt. Leo fumbled down the front of both their pants for a second, intent on releasing their cocks from their prisons, and then their liberated cocks rose up, unfettered, and clashed against each other. Jed came there and then, just from the feel of Leo's cock against his own, and Leo thrust against Jed and came a few seconds later, his tongue still halfway down Jed's throat. Jed sagged against Leo, utterly exhilarated and they sat there panting, the upholstery of the car sticky with their semen. "Oh god," Leo whispered, kissing Jed's cheek. "I've missed you so much." He took Jed's face in his hands and kissed him again and again, and each time he pulled back their eyes met and they gazed at each other, lost in a haze of adoration. Leo ran his thumb over Jed's lip and Jed trembled as his skin zinged with an almost painful erotic charge. "I missed you too, Leo," he replied, his hands still caressing Leo's ass. Leo smiled and Jed's heart missed a beat "I've been waiting a whole year for this. Oh god – it's always so much better with you than with anyone else." Leo brushed Jed's hair with his fingers, still smiling at him fondly, and Jed felt a pang of jealousy. "Have you been seeing anyone?" He asked, trying to make it sound casual. Leo shrugged. "There was a girl. Debbie. We had some
fun and it was good but it wasn't like this." He frowned, as if he truly
was unable to make sense of it. "It's never like this with anyone else,"
he murmured, going back in for another kiss. Jed pushed him back. Leo grinned and shrugged. "Did you get to fourth base with David Wheaton's sister yet?" He asked. "No - I didn't even get to first base
with her," Jed snapped. "She wouldn't look twice at me." "Because…" Jed struggled to find the words as Leo's hand went lower. "She doesn't know what she's missing," Leo grinned, his hand tracing patterns on Jed's flesh, making Jed tingle and burn and having the effect of rendering his cock instantly hard again, and anything he might have said in reply was lost as they spent the next twenty minutes making out all over again. 2002 "Ah, the last meal of the condemned
man," Jed commented, as he sat down at the dining table in the Residence
late the following evening. Leo sat back in his chair and gazed at him
impassively, his cell phone pressed to one ear. Jed ignored him and
continued with his theme, picking up the lids of the dishes on the table
to investigate the contents. "Ah, green beans. Isn't it tradition that the
condemned man gets food that he actually likes, Leo? There are far
too many vegetables in this meal and I don't like green beans – a fact
that I'm sure the entire world knows. You'd think that for a last meal
they could have done better." "His plane just touched down. He'll be here soon." Leo put his cell phone down on the table. "Don't let me keep you from working,
Leo," Jed told him, waving his hand around. "I know you're a very busy,
very important man. I also know that you're only here right now to make
sure that I keep this appointment." "Shouldn't we call him Doctor Keyworth? If he's going to be poking around inside my psyche I would at least like to be reminded of the fact that he's fully qualified to be there," Jed said, knowing he was being deliberately difficult about this but unable to stop himself. "It's not like he's doing brain surgery, sir," Leo commented calmly. Jed sighed and rested his fork on his plate, gazing at Leo. "Leo…" He began. "You'll see him. He'll be here soon," Leo told him, clearly having rightly predicted that Jed would try, one last time, to get out of this. "I don't like shrinks, Leo. I don't like this whole modern habit of wallowing in our own problems, giving in to our self-obsession. It's indulgent," Jed snapped. "I thought that way once too," Leo replied, "but I went to rehab because it was the right thing to do and let me tell you it isn't all touchy feely crap. I had to face up to some hard issues at rehab and I'm the stronger for it. I think…" He hesitated. "Oh by all means go on, Leo," Jed prompted. "Give me the benefit of your vast wisdom and experience on this." His petulant tone seemed to sting Leo who gave him an irate look and continued with some heat in his voice. "Okay. I will. I think that a man can
go through his entire life without ever facing himself, sir. I think there
are some things a man would rather put in a box and never look at than
tackle head on. And for a lot of people that might be fine – it's a coping
mechanism and sometimes it works…until you hit a wall. I hit a wall with
alcohol and you hit one with your sleeping. Then you have no choice but to
get that box out and open it up – you can't circumvent the process, sir.
Or at least, if you do, you'll just keep on banging your head against the
same wall – and in an election year you have to ask yourself whether
that's a liability you can afford." "Yes, sir. Is that what you're afraid of?" Leo asked softly. Jed paused, with his fork raised to his
mouth. Was it? He put his fork down and gazed at his old friend
thoughtfully. "Maybe, Leo," he murmured. "Maybe." Jed gazed silently into space, wondering, privately, whether Leo was right about that. "Sir?" "We have to talk about something," Leo
told him, leaning across the table in an almost conspiratorial manner,
speaking in low tones. "I don't know what's going on for you right now,
but there's no point us calling in Stanley if you aren't going to be
honest with him." "I mean that no part of your life can be off limits to him," Leo said softly. Jed threw his cutlery down on the plate where it made a loud, clattering sound. "Damnit, Leo. This is a monstrous
invasion of…" "Oh excuse me, Leo – I thought you were the one just advocating that I share the most personal and intimate details of my life with a complete stranger!" Jed snapped. "Sir, I'm just saying that if you need to talk about us - about me and our relationship – then that's fine. You might need to," Leo told him urgently. "Stanley is a fine psychiatrist and I have no doubt whatsoever that he'll keep this completely confidential. I'm saying that I don't mind, that's all. Just do what you have to do." Jed took a deep breath; he felt as if all the wind had been taken out of his sails and he was humbled by what Leo had just given him permission to share with this stranger who was coming to his house. They had been lovers for 40 years but this secret was theirs – it belonged to them both and they had always had an unspoken agreement that it was to be shared with nobody except the closest of family members. "Leo…" He reached across the table and covered Leo's hand briefly with his own. "Okay." He nodded. "Okay." He gave a short, bitter bark of laughter. "Okay – I'll see this guy and I'll…" He paused, tried to avoid Leo's sharp, knowing blue eyes, and failed, as he always did in the end. "I'll do my best to open the box, Leo. I promise," he murmured. "I know you will, sir." Leo gave him a smile that warmed him all the way through. Jed gazed at his friend moodily. He wished he could explain to Leo what this was all about – wished he could explain it to himself. He knew what had started it, but he was less sure what had turned it into this obsession that was making it impossible to sleep. Maybe it would be easier to talk to a stranger than it was to talk to Leo or Abbey on this particular subject. Maybe…Or maybe it was easier not to talk about it at all. He really didn't want to dredge all this up again. Not after all these years. It had been buried – locked up in that box that Leo talked about. Was it really necessary to get it out and examine it? Couldn't it just stay there? The sound of Leo's cell phone broke through his reverie. He watched as Leo spoke for a few minutes and then turned back to him. "Sir, he's here. Josh is taking him up
to your study." "Sir…" Leo got up. "You go on ahead, Leo. I'll be there. Just give me…just give me a few minutes alone," Jed told him. Leo gazed at him steadily for a moment and then nodded. As he walked past Jed on his way to the door, he rested his hand on his friend's shoulder for a second, and then was gone. Jed gazed at the remains of his dinner glumly, trying to gather his thoughts. His conversation with Leo had changed everything; he knew how to play people and he had intended to walk his way through this, to give the easy answers and to get rid of Stanley Keyworth as fast as he could. Leo would never know… but now… now he had promised Leo he would look inside that box and he didn't break the promises he made to Leo. "Damnit," Jed muttered under his breath. "Damn you for this, Leo and damn Stanley and damn Toby and damn…" He trailed off and gazed into space again for a moment, shaking his head. "Damn," he whispered. The past pounded in his head, demanding his attention and he was getting so tired of pushing it away and pretending it didn’t matter. Jed took a few deep breaths and then
got to his feet and walked up to his private study. Josh and Leo were both
talking to man with intelligent brown eyes and a no-nonsense manner. Jed
stiffened, feeling combative and adversarial, sensing immediately that
this man was clever – it would be hard to hide anything from him even if
he hadn't given his promise to Leo…but he felt stung all the same. He
didn't want to be here, didn't want to be discussing his own personal,
private thoughts with some stranger. He was not, however, going to give in that easily. He wasn't going to just sit here and spill his guts to this man with the knowing brown eyes and deceptively soft-spoken manner. Dr. Stanley Keyworth would have to prove to him that he knew what he was doing first before Jed would trust him with any personal details about his life. 1963 “Mom’s away for the summer,” Jed told
Leo as they climbed the stairs to the house, which was adjacent to the
main school building. “She and my aunt – her sister – have this yearly
rotation thing. Aunt Sal comes to stay with us one summer and my mom goes
to her place the next year. She said to say 'hi' and that she was sorry to
have missed you and instructed me to put you in the spare room, here.” He
opened the door to a small room at the end of the landing and Leo glanced
in and nodded. ”Just across the hallway,” Jed grinned,
pointing. “Yeah. These are the only two bedrooms up here - Dad sleeps on the landing below and Jon's bedroom is the little one next to his so we're all alone up here in the attic,” Jed pointed out, grinning as Leo stroked his ass, still standing too close, invading his space in a way that made Jed’s body tingle with need all over again, despite the fact they’d already made love three times on the journey home. Leo tore himself away and threw his
suitcase down on the bed. He sat down beside it, gazing at it
thoughtfully, and then glanced back at Jed and beckoned. “Come here. I’ve
got something I want to show you,” he said. “Close the door.” “It’s okay – I wasn’t suggesting that – tempting though it is.” Leo grinned up at him. “Come and sit down, Jed. There’s something I wanted to talk to you about.” Jed joined him on the bed, and Leo opened up his case. He removed a couple of tidily packed items of clothing and then pulled out a small tube and held it up. “What is it?” Jed asked. “It’s lubricant,” Leo told him, reaching out a hand and resting it on the nape of Jed’s neck, kneading gently. “Like…for a car?” Jed frowned, glancing at his friend. Leo’s lips turned up at the corners in a twisted grin. “Kinda…but not,” Leo told him. “Jed…you know there’s a lot of stuff we haven’t done, right?” Jed gazed at him – somehow he was pretty sure that Leo wasn’t referring to going to college or books they hadn’t read. “I…I dunno.” He shrugged. “Don’t get me wrong,” Leo said softly, his hand still massaging the back of Jed’s neck. “I love what we do together, when we’re on our own – and if that’s all we ever do then it’ll be enough for me. But…I’m just saying there’s other stuff we can do if we want. Stuff we could try.” “Like what?” Jed asked, gazing at the tube in his hand in terrified fascination. “Well...” Leo removed his hand from
Jed’s neck and took the tube of lubricant from him. He opened it, and
smeared a small amount onto Jed’s fingers. “It makes it slide easier…stops
it hurting,” he murmured, gazing at Jed steadily. “I read about it. We
could try it and see if we liked it but only if you wanted to.” “Does it disgust you?” Leo asked, his blue eyes never leaving Jed’s face. “No…I mean…no,” Jed sighed. “But I know
it’s wrong, Leo. Everything I’ve ever been taught tells me it’s wrong but
then just letting you kiss me and suck me is wrong and however much I tell
myself that it doesn’t *feel* wrong when you’re doing it.” “My faith isn’t separable from my heart, Leo,” he replied. “And you’re a Catholic too.” “I know…but I don’t have faith, Jed. I stopped having faith when Dad blew his brains all over the garage," Leo told him with a shrug. Jed gazed at his friend, sensing Leo withdrawing from him, as if bracing himself for rejection. Leo had told him about his father’s death before, but always in cold, clinical terms, like recounting a story that had happened to someone else. Jed had never seen a glimpse of the wider impact that his father’s death had had upon his friend. “Are you saying you don’t believe in God, Leo?” He asked. “I’m saying I don’t know.” Leo
shrugged. “I know you have faith, Jed, and that’s fine, but don’t expect
me to think and feel the same way as you. I want you – I want you in every
way it’s possible to have you, and I’d like you to feel the same way. I’ll
understand if you don’t want to do this because it disgusts you or scares
you but I won’t understand if you hide behind your faith because we’ve
done enough already and where was your faith then?” “Leo…I respect that. I haven’t walked in your shoes…I don’t know what it’s like to live through what you’ve lived through. You hardly ever talk about your father, Leo.” “No.” Leo gazed at his own hands and shrugged. “If you ever wanted to then I’d like to listen one day,” Jed said softly. Leo nodded. “Thanks,” he murmured. “As for this.” Jed put the tube into Leo’s open palm and closed his hand around it. “Bring it to my room tonight, when everyone’s asleep. I want you too, Leo – in every way possible,” he added, echoing Leo’s words back to him. Leo’s blue eyes shimmered and he rested his forehead against Jed’s. Jed put his hands around Leo’s shoulders, feeling oddly grown up. Up until now, despite the fact that they were the same age, Leo had always seemed to be the older one, the worldly one, the one who had lived and experienced so much more than he with his sheltered upbringing, and yet now, for the first time, Jed felt as if that situation were reversed – and he liked the feeling of strength and being needed that gave him. "Hey – is that Leo?" A voice asked from the doorway. Jed drew his arm away quickly and turned to face his little brother, resolving to be more careful about displays of affection in future. "Yeah. I'm Leo." Leo grinned at the small, sandy haired boy. "This is Jon," Jed said, waving a hand at his brother. Jonathan didn't look a whole lot like him – he had his father's paler skin and colouring. Jed was fond of the kid; Jon looked up to him and was well behaved, kind of quiet, and very bookish. Jed loved passing on some of his favourite books to his brother and talking about them afterwards. "Dad says not to be late for dinner," Jon instructed Jed. "We won't be," Jed replied with a nod. "Only…" Jon made a face. "Uncle Simon dropped by earlier." He didn't elaborate but Jed understood the warning well enough. "Oh. Right." Jed sighed. "Okay! See you then, Leo." Jon gave a cheery smile and then ran off. "Nice kid," Leo commented. "Yeah – for a kid brother he isn't too bad," Jed grinned. "He doesn't seem to have a lot to say – unlike his brother," Leo observed. Jed burst out laughing. "He's never been exactly chatty. He reads a lot and sometimes he comes out with these startling observations that make us all wonder what the hell kind of stuff he's borrowing from the school library - but he's a good kid. Dad dotes on him." Jed frowned absently, and got up. "Speaking of which – I should leave you to unpack. Dinner's in about 15 minutes and Dad hates it when we're late for meals. He's got a real thing about it." "And I take it he doesn't like your Uncle Simon?" Leo raised an inquisitive eyebrow. Jed gave a wry laugh. "Nope. Uncle Simon is big in New Hampshire politics and he throws his weight around a bit. He enjoys making Dad feel small and parochial I think. Mind you, Dad hates it even more when Uncle Jack visits!" Jed grinned. "I like them both – Uncle Simon always has these really amazing stories to tell. He's smart – we have great conversations. I wish he'd drop by more often," he commented wistfully. "If he and Dad were on better terms then I guess he would, but Dad is always in a bad mood after either of his brothers visit so I suppose it's better that they don't come by more often. Anyway – if he is in a bad mood then we'd better not be late for dinner." "Okay." Leo smiled broadly, and put the lubricant back into his case with a knowing smile in Jed's direction. Jed felt a wave of erotic excitement sweep through his entire body. He could hardly wait for the evening to be over so that he could experience this new thing Leo had planned. He grinned at his friend stupidly. "I'm so glad you're here," he murmured, wondering how he'd survived the previous 12 months without Leo by his side. "Me too," Leo replied softly. "Me too." 2002 Jed took a deep breath as he closed the door behind Leo and then he turned and introduced himself. "I'm Jed Bartlet "Stanley Keyworth." "I guess we knew that." "Yes, sir." "I've been having trouble sleeping." Such deceptively easy words but what did they hide? Jed walked impatiently around the room while Stanley asked a series of gentle questions. His own replies were facetious, difficult, smart ass - he knew that, but he couldn't stop himself anyway. "Well, Mr President…um…tell me about the nature of your sleeping problem," Stanley asked. "I can't sleep." Jed shrugged. "What happens when you try to sleep?" "I stay awake," Jed shot back. Stanley didn't even blink. He had to know he was being toyed with, but he ploughed on regardless. Jed felt a brief moment of shame – this guy had been brought here not knowing who he had been called to see. He'd been given no time whatsoever to adjust to the idea that the person in need of his help was the President of the United States no less, a President who was doing his best to give dumbass answers to all his questions - a president who was only here under duress because his best friend and lover of 40 years had insisted. This wasn't even Stanley's area of expertise, but Leo trusted him and Leo didn't trust people easily so Stanley was stuck with the highly unenviable task of getting into Jed Bartlet's psyche, and right now Jed knew he was making that task as hard as he possibly could. "How long has it been?" Stanley asked. "Four nights," Jed replied. Stanley didn't react quite as violently as Leo had, but his eyes registered his concern all the same. "You haven't slept in four nights?" "Right." "Must be hard." "Yeah." "And it didn't work?" "Not until the next morning in the middle of a National Security briefing." A light flashed in Stanley's eyes and for the first time Jed got a glimpse of himself and the situation as this man must be seeing it. This was no longer abstract – this wasn't just a case of a man not getting a good night's sleep; this was something that could affect national security – this was important. Stanley hadn't signed up for this and he was taking some time, feeling his way, trying to figure out the best way of approaching his difficult, obstructive patient, a patient who just happened to be the President of the United States. "Well, that's no good," Stanley commented neutrally. Jed found himself unable to sit still. He got up and walked impatiently around the room as they talked, found himself a cigarette and lit it. He was feeling a little bit ashamed of himself but all the same, he knew that he couldn't behave any differently. He answered Stanley's questions about his smoking and his physical health, all the time knowing he could cut them both to the chase if he wanted to, and spare Stanley all this tedious questioning - and himself all the equally tedious replies. Only he couldn't. He couldn't because he needed to make Stanley work for this. He couldn't because he wasn't sure he wanted to start this, and open that box Leo had told him he had to open. He couldn't because he was Jed Bartlet. Jed turned on the television. He knew that in part he was trying to impress Stanley with his status, trying to show this psychiatrist that he wasn't weak, that despite his insomnia he was still in charge, still in control. He hadn't called a psychiatrist here because he couldn't handle his own thoughts and emotions. He could. He watched on the White House closed circuit TV link as CJ handled a question and answer session with her usual adept skill and then turned back to Stanley. The psychiatrist didn't look impressed. In fact he just looked curious, as if he realised that entire charade with the TV had been for his benefit. Jed checked himself – had he been showing off? Showing off his status and his importance in a way that his father would have scolded him for – or worse. Jed poured himself a glass of water, trying to distract himself from that train of thought. Stanley talked to him, his questions puncturing Jed's attempts to keep on top of this, to keep Stanley from getting close to anything dangerous. He found himself answering more irritably now and checked himself, sliding instead into another of his age-old coping mechanisms – telling an anecdote. Stanley sat back comfortably and listened but he had that psychiatrist's trick of watching you closely as you spoke and it unnerved Jed. What if even this harmless story about Arthur Miller was somehow betraying some aspect of his psyche? Damn but he hated this. Stanley's brown eyes were boring holes into his soul and he could almost hear Leo growling at him: "For god's sake, Jed. I didn't call the poor man all the way up here from San Francisco for you to tell him about Arthur Miller. Just get on with it will you, because if you don't I'll damn well kick your ass." "I can't sleep," he said with a sigh. "I can't sleep. I'll be tired, I'll lie there, and it doesn't happen." "What happened four nights ago?" Stanley asked. "I won the Iowa caucus." "Anything else?" "That's not enough?" Jed shot back glibly, still deflecting, still keeping himself safe. "Mr. President," Stanley sighed, finally calling him on his behaviour. "If you were any other patient…" "Say what you'd say to any other patient," Jed said wearily, finally accepting his fate. Leo had said this guy was tough, that he'd call him on his bullshit, and now, finally, he thought he might have pushed Stanley's patience to its limit. "I'd say screw around if you want, but it's your money, it's about to be my money, and I sleep fine," Stanley said firmly. Jed gazed at the ceiling for a long moment, struggling with himself. He could still hear Leo whispering in his ear: "Jed – now would be a good time, before we all lose patience with you. This guy has a life you know. He isn't going to stick around forever waiting for you to spill your guts – President or not he's going to give up on you if you don't start doing some serious talking." "I had a conversation with one of my aides that night after we got back from Iowa," Jed said with a sigh, still gazing at the ceiling, unable to meet Stanley's eye. "He called me on something." "What?" "Well I guess we talked about a lot of things. Who we thought the Republican challenger was going to be, and incumbency and campaign strategy…strategic overview…" Somewhere in his head he could hear Leo's growl of sheer exasperation with his delaying tactics, and finally, he snapped. "…But the long and short of it is that my father never liked me at all." There was a long silence. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Stanley nodding, acknowledging that they had reached the crux of the problem. "Well, at least we're closer to my area now," Stanley commented. Jed felt his anxiety rising and he took a mental side-swipe at Leo. "Yeah, I thought you'd enjoy that," he said. "What exactly did your aide say to you?" Stanley asked, taking Jed by surprise. "Aren't you going to ask me why I think my father didn't like me?" He raised an eyebrow, still trying to keep control of this conversation. "You can tell me that if you want, but I'm more interested in what your aide said that upset you so much that you haven't been able to sleep for four nights," Stanley said calmly. "My father was a headmaster of a large
boy's boarding school which I, as his son, attended," Jed told him,
ignoring the question. Stanley nodded. "It was an unusual upbringing in
that respect, I'll admit," Jed continued. Stanley threaded his hands
together in his lap and waited. "But I got a first class education and
while my relationship with my father was formal, I don't think it was
unusual in that era." "My mother had her own life – I adored her but I didn't spend much time with her; and before you ask, that didn’t bother me - none of the other boys at the school saw their mothers much after all." Jed swung the water around in his glass thoughtfully. "You're not answering the question, sir," Stanley pointed out. "I'm a politician, Stanley. We make an art form out of not answering the questions we don't want to answer," Jed replied with a wry grin and then could have kicked himself for giving too much away. "Why don't you want to answer this one?" Stanley asked, too smart not to have picked up on Jed's mistake. "Because…I'm not sure it's relevant," Jed parried, feeling himself sinking fast. He remembered his promise to Leo and psyched himself up. He could feel himself putting one hand on the box, and faltered. "Toby was reaching. He didn't know anything." "What did he say, Mr. President?" Stanley pressed. "What was the question that upset you so much that you haven't slept in four days?" Jed felt himself trying to open the box but it was hard; the lid was heavy and it hadn't been opened in a very long time. "Sir?" Stanley pushed. "What did Toby say?" "He…" Jed gazed at the contents of his glass. He saw Leo's face, heard Leo's dry tones. You have no choice but to get that box out and open it up – you can't circumvent the process. "He…asked me if my father hit me," Jed finished. He took a sip out of his glass and glanced over at Stanley. "And what was your reply?" Stanley asked softly. Jed shrugged. "Yes. I told him yes." "It wasn't unusual in those days, Stanley. Sons had a very different relationship to their fathers than they do today…it was normal for…" He trailed off and then rubbed his eyes wearily. "No, it wasn't normal, even for those days. He didn't just hit me – sometimes he punched me. Toby said it was because he didn't like me very much and that's a truth that I think I've known for a very long time but I just didn't want to face until 4 nights ago. Not just that he didn't love me – he didn't actually like me." Jed was silent for a long time. "That's the crux of it, Stanley. My father didn't like me – Toby said that's what people do when they don't like you. They p…" Jed stopped. Stanley's eyes filled his vision, brown and steady, not without compassion but firm all the same. Jed struggled with it for a moment and then continued. "He liked my brother, Jon, but he didn't like me. Jon wasn't noisy like me – he didn't ask questions, didn't talk too much. He and my dad were more alike – quiet, undemonstrative people. I was more like my mom – and my dad and mom didn't get along too well. Dad never hit Jon." Jed shrugged, fighting back a sense of desolation. "Don't get me wrong – I'm glad about that, but now I'm wondering what it was about me that annoyed my father so much. Why did he dislike me? Why did he hit me?" Jed bit on his lip and shook his head. "Mostly it was just a slap around the face, a backhander – those were what I thought of as his equivalent of a 'sharp word'." Jed shrugged. "But then…occasionally…just occasionally…" It was tempting to stop this – to stop it right now, to backtrack and charm and sweet-talk Stanley into accepting that this wasn't so big a deal after all. There were places in his memories that Jed didn’t want to go, places that had been private, personal, known only to himself and his father – something they had shared, experiences they had spoken of to nobody until Leo had come along 40 years ago and changed all that. Leo…Leo who had changed everything. Leo who was still changing everything, Leo who was insisting that he look inside the box – Leo who already knew what was in the box because Leo knew just about everything there was to know about him. Jed took a deep breath, and tried again. "There were occasions when it was a lot worse. I'd like to think that they were spontaneous eruptions of anger but the truth is that they weren't. Sometimes it felt as if he'd planned them. He'd call me to his study about something – usually something I'd done but not anything that I could have anticipated would upset him." Jed paused again, shaking his head. He was aware that Stanley was sitting very still and he wanted to laugh. This all sounded so melodramatic. It was years ago – it didn't matter now. He'd long since stopped being that teenage boy who couldn't fight back. And yet…and yet… "It was almost formal – like a ritual. He'd call me in, close the door behind me, and lock it – and I knew then that it would be bad. If he locked the door then I knew it would be bad. He'd start off with a few cold words but there was a look in his eye and I knew that whatever I said and whatever I did this was going to happen and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I used to try anyway – I used to try different ways of getting him to stop. Sometimes I'd shout at him and argue, while at others I'd be conciliatory, and reasonable…but nothing made a difference. When he had that look in his eye I think he just needed to hit me and it didn't really matter what I said or did. I annoyed him. There was something about me that brought out the bully in him but I couldn't stop being me so what could I do?" Jed was silent for a long time but Stanley didn't say anything – so eventually he continued. "His 'sharp words' inevitably involved him slapping me hard around the face without warning, but these sessions were different. When he locked the door…" Jed put his glass of water down because his hand was shaking. "When he locked the door, I'd be scared – I knew what was coming next. Whenever I went into a room alone with my father I never shut the door. Not ever. I always left it open in case he was in one of his moods – just in case." He nodded to himself, lost in memories of a time long gone. "He rarely punched my face during these sessions – I guess, looking back, that he didn't want people knowing what he did to me – didn't want any visible signs, although…god, that sounds so pre-meditated and I find it hard to believe he was thinking so coherently." Jed sighed. The truth was closer to the fact that he didn't want to think that his father had made such a cold-blooded decision. It was easier to believe the man just lost his temper than to think that he planned those sessions so meticulously. "He punched me, and if I went down he'd sometimes kick me…and then it would be over. I'd hear him unlock the door and he'd leave me in the room. The next time I saw him he'd be back to normal – he never mentioned what happened and I never referred to it. It was kind of like our secret, although he never told me not to tell anyone. He just seemed to know that I wouldn’t. And, to be honest, who would I have told?" Jed shrugged and glanced at Sta |
