When a Man Loves A Woman…: 2. Part Two

 

“So, what do you think I should do?” She asked, her hair falling into her eyes as she leaned forward over him, kissing his forehead softly.

 

“We’ve been through this. I can’t tell you. It’s your decision. You won’t listen to me anyway. You never do. Never have done. Never will.” He shrugged, running his hand along her back, twining it in her hair, pulling her down on top of him, feeling her breasts against his bare chest.

 

“You’re entitled to an opinion though!” She protested. “You are my boyfriend.”
“But I may not be for much longer,” he said grimly, pushing her away when every nerve in his body wanted to hold her close and never let her go.

 

“What does that mean?” She sat up, silently, staring at him in the darkness, her hazel eyes luminous in their beauty, her lower lip pouting slightly.

 

“Don’t do that thing with your lip.” He growled, pulling on his boxer shorts.

 

“Tell me what you mean?” She stroked his stiff back softly.

 

“I mean that I don’t fancy men and I certainly never ever fancied Mr Fox Mulder. Ms Fox Mulder is a different matter entirely of course.” He made a face, unable to resist her insistent stroking, allowing her to pull him back down, her long arms trapping him on the bed, her face soft against his chest.

 

“So you don’t love me for what I am. Only what I look like?” She asked. “I mean, if I were in an accident and disfigured, would you leave me?”
“Of course not!” He was shocked. “I love you.”
“But it’s the same thing!” She protested.

 

“No. It isn’t. It’s a completely different thing,” he insisted.

 

“How is it? I’ll look different, that’s all,” she said.

 

“No. Remember how we were before? We locked horns, like, I don’t know, stags or something. We were men, doing all that territorial crap. Since you’ve been female our relationship has been different.”
“Well, yeah!” She sucked on one of his nipples gently and he groaned, pushing her away then pulling her back again.

 

“I don’t just mean that. I mean you. You told me that you weren’t a gay man and if you use that vial to turn yourself back then you’ll be a straight man again. You just won’t want me any more. And apart from that…”
“Yes?” She ran her fingers through his chest hair and he shifted, his hands finding her breasts, unable to resist her.

 

“Apart from that…you turn me on!” Her hand snaked down to his shorts and reached inside.

 

“That’s obvious,” she murmured, stroking softly.

 

“But you wouldn’t would you, if you were a man?” He whispered, groaning as her hand moved faster around his cock.

 

“I could still do this.” She smiled.

 

“Yes…” He lay back, unable to think while she had such an intimate part of his anatomy so firmly in her control.

 

It had been 3 weeks since she had found the vial. 3 torturous weeks spent agonising over this decision. As Scully watched and waited, they played out every scenario over and over again until Skinner thought he would go insane. Then a few days after finding the vial, she had turned up on his doorstep with a load of bags.

 

“What’s this?” He asked, bemused, staring at her.

 

“Well you did ask me to move in. Or had you forgotten?” she grinned.

 

“Of course not, but I…what about…I mean does this mean you’ve made your decision?” For one brief, heartbreaking second he thought that she had. That she had chosen him, irrevocably, turning her back on her past and deciding to remain as she was.

 

“No. I’m sorry, Walter. I haven’t come to a decision.” She put a gentle hand on his arm. “I just wanted you to know that you are my future. Whatever decision I come to. I can’t imagine a world without you in it.”

 

“Oh, Fox.” He stared at her miserably, then, crushing back his feelings as usual, he picked up her bags and helped her into the apartment with them. He would have her on any terms of course. She did that to him. Made him feel helpless, lost in his love for her. Whatever she decided he knew he would support her, even if it broke his heart. “Fox, I can’t have it hanging over me,” he said. “You must make the decision – to stay or return to being male. You can’t keep it as an option for years on end. That would kill me.”
“I will decide.” She pouted, making him want to groan and shout at her and kiss her at one and the same time. “But it’s a big decision. I need time.”
And who could deny her that? It was a big decision. When had he ever denied her anything anyway? She was his heart, his soul, his whole life. He loved her as he had never loved another being in his life before and he would have given himself to hellfire a hundred times over in order to save her from harm.

 

It was easy to become used to her sharing his apartment. She didn’t exactly bring a woman’s touch to his bachelor pad. Instead she left clothes where they fell, watched television late at night, never quite grasped the fact that food did not arrive in the fridge by magic, phoned Scully in the early hours of the morning when something occurred to her, bounced a ball around when she was bored and ran off on missions without so much as leaving a note. Skinner wasn’t surprised. That was just the way she was and he never sought to change her. Equally she had a sharp intelligence, a great sense of humor and there wasn’t a cold or malicious bone in her body. She pouted but she never sulked, got angry, frequently, but never subjected him to moody silences and she didn’t always insist on talking about feelings endlessly. In fact she was happier talking about work, questioning him about cases other agents were working on, putting her own considerable skills to good use, finding new angles and approaches and of course there was her amazing prowess between the sheets. Skinner still couldn’t believe the levels of sensory pleasure they had found since their initial, faltering coupling all those months ago. She was, in short, as near to being his ideal woman as could possibly exist. And now she was considering changing back. A part of him wanted to beg and plead and kneel at her feet, screaming “Don’t leave me!” But he kept it tightly reined in. Emotional blackmail was the last thing she needed right now, but he couldn’t share her optimism that their relationship could continue unchanged if she decided to become male again. He just could not imagine himself living such a life. What about his job? What about sex? He went cold at the very thought.

 

“If you love me, you love me. It’s me inside.” She said as they arrived at work the next day. “It’ll still be me. I’ll still know that trick with my tongue that turns you into a gibbering wreck!” She grinned.

 

“Ssh!” He looked around as he locked his car. She could be so indiscreet!

 

“How can love change?” She queried. “I mean, you either do or you don’t. It doesn’t matter what your body looks like.”
“Oh please. Please, how many times must we cover the same ground?” He sighed and she tucked her arm through his as they made their way to the elevator. Having decided not to skulk around, they were now openly accepted as a couple. Skinner had not yet been called into his superiors’ offices to find out what the hell he thought he was playing at so he supposed that it was alright. However, would they be so understanding if she changed back?

 

She kissed his cheek and sauntered off down the corridor to her office and he watched her go. Why did he feel, bit by bit, that he was losing her?

 

When he got home that evening, she had made dinner. Not a very nice dinner admittedly, but not bad for one of her rare offerings which were usually purchased and the packaging hastily disposed of so he wouldn’t guess. Then she took him to the bedroom and made love to him over and over again until he thought he would burst. When he awoke in the morning she was gone and he knew, immediately, that she had made her decision. On her pillow was a note.

 

Dear Walter,

 

I’m going away for three days. You can guess why. I know you don’t really want me to do this, although you’ve been kind enough not to pressure me. But when you’ve been born to something and lived all your life as something, it’s hard not to want it back. I miss so many things. My strength, my speed, my stubble! But more I miss who I was. Please wait for me. I don’t want to lose you. This is my home, it’s where I’ll come back to. Be here for me.

 

All my love,

 

Fox.

 

Skinner crumpled the note in his hand and for the first time in 28 years, he cried.

 

****

 

“Hello.” It was a voice he hadn’t heard in a year, a face he hadn’t seen in a year. Short hair, a well toned body, hard muscles. Mulder stood in the doorway. “Can I come in?” He asked. Skinner shrugged and opened the door wide.

 

“You have a key,” he said. “You didn’t need to knock.” He held his breath as he watched Mulder enter the apartment. Mulder, Fox Mulder. Male. Totally male, not his beautiful female lover any more, transformed. Mulder turned to face him.

 

“I’ve been gone 3 days. No kiss?” He asked.

 

“What do you want from me?” Skinner folded his arms and leaned back against the wall, his posture defensive.

 

“I still love you. That hasn’t changed.” Mulder approached him cautiously, reaching up two masculine hands to remove his glasses, putting them down on the table and taking Skinner’s face in his hands, caressing with his long, sensitive fingers.

 

“You have though. I’m too old for this!” Skinner drew back.
“You said something like that to me once before remember?” Mulder grinned, moving forwards again, angling his face close to Skinner’s, kissing his lips. Skinner froze. “We’ve done this a thousand times.” Mulder said. “It’s no different.”

 

“Yes it is.” Skinner closed his eyes and tried to remember how it had felt to kiss her. Mulder pressed his lips against his again and he started, feeling the familiar electric surge of desire he had always felt.

 

“See.” Mulder said. “It can still be good.”
“I don’t know you. I don’t know this body.” He protested, gesturing to Mulder’s jeans and loose denim shirt.

 

“Well we have all the time in the world. Let’s start right now.” Mulder drew him close and wrapped his arms around him. Skinner struggled for a moment, then allowed the embrace, his emotions and his mind a mess. “Go with it, Walter.” Mulder said. “For me. For what we had. Don’t say no to it without trying.”
“I…” He drowned in that hazel gaze as he had so many times before.

 

“Come on.” Mulder took his arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom.

 

He sat down in a dream as Mulder caressed his neck, kneeling behind him on the bed, their bed, where they had made love so often.
“Do you remember my first time?” Mulder whispered in Skinner’s ear. He nodded, dumbly. “You were so kind, so good and gentle and sensitive. That was when I first knew I loved you, that it was more than just lust. Well, now…now it’s my turn to be gentle. My turn to show you…” Mulder reached down and unbuttoned Skinner’s shirt. Skinner could feel the roughness of the other man’s cheek against his neck and it felt wrong! Every nerve and atom in his body told him that it felt wrong and yet…and yet it felt right as well. Mulder pulled the shirt away from him and he felt naked and exposed, telling himself not to be a fool, that Mulder had seen him like this before, but all the same, not this Mulder, not with this cropped hair and the hard, molded pectorals. As if sensing all this, Mulder ran his fingers across Skinner’s chest, finding the nipples, tracing his fingers over them, pinching them lightly in the way he knew Skinner liked. Skinner sighed and leaned back, closing his eyes. Like this, he could imagine it was her doing this, her slender fingers on his body…

 

“No, Walter. No. Look at me.” Mulder turned him round, took his face between his hands again, stared into his eyes. “It’s me, you have to see me as I am. You can’t be always looking back.”

 

“Damn you! Don’t lecture me.” He tried to shrug Mulder’s hands off and found them too strong. He was scared by the other man’s strength, threatened by it and struck out. Mulder ducked backwards then hurled himself forward, grabbing Skinner by the waist, wrestling him down onto the bed and sitting astride him, pinning him there with his weight.

 

“Yes, it’s different. But it can be good too.” Mulder told him. “Now try it, damn you. Try it!” His hazel eyes were despairing. Skinner was breathing heavily, hating feeling trapped, resenting the other man’s physical strength. “Feeling powerless?” Mulder asked. “I felt like that sometimes. But you know, that feeling can be good as well. Knowing the other person is so strong, knowing they won’t use that strength to hurt you ever, because they love you. Sometimes even feeling protected by it. It’s nice if you can abandon yourself to it, stop fearing it. Try, Walter, for me.” Mulder leaned forward and kissed him again and he pursed his lips, unyielding, but Mulder’s tongue was insistent, opening his mouth, forcing himself inside and at last he gave in, accepting the kiss. Mulder still kept Skinner’s arms pinned down beside his body, the pressure from his thighs and hands keeping Skinner motionless. Now he moved his hands, cautiously, allowing Skinner some freedom to move, his fingers finding Skinner’s nipples and playing with them gently. Skinner reached up a tentative hand and caressed Mulder’s back, exploring the unfamilar musculature, tracing lines on it with his hand, stroking.

 

Mulder drew back, undoing his denim shirt and throwing it on the floor in a gesture that made Skinner laugh.
“What?” Mulder looked down on him.

 

“Same old, Fox. Clothes on the floor as usual.” Skinner grunted. Mulder smiled.

 

“Same old Fox in so many other ways too.” He said. He took hold of Skinner’s hands and placed them on his flat chest. Skinner sighed and shook his head.

 

“You have no idea how much I’ll miss what you had here,” he said. “They were…perfect.”
“They were good, yeah!” Mulder grinned. “I was impressed by them. At first I couldn’t stop playing with them!”

 

“You never told me that.”
“No. Guess I was a bit embarrassed.” Mulder laughed. “But my chest isn’t so bad.” He moved Skinner’s fingers down to his nipples and Skinner tried to find some pleasure in this caress, to enjoy the sensation of the tiny tufts of hair under his fingers, the smaller nipples. Mulder put his head back and groaned and duly encouraged, Skinner continued the embrace, wishing that he could feel something himself, something inside his shorts, some evidence of life, of arousal. He wanted this to work as much as Mulder did, yet he didn’t see how it could.

 

“What next?” He asked fearfully. “What do you want me to do to you?”
“Explore me…” Mulder guided his hand down to his pants. “What is it you said to me? ‘You should be familiar with these?’ Those were your words.”
“And you said something along the lines that you’d never seen it as something to desire before.” Skinner pointed out.
“And then you made me realise where I’d been going wrong!” Mulder smiled, pushing Skinner’s hand down into his pants. Skinner found the semi-erect penis and stroked it softly, trying to imagine it was his own. In fact that was the only way he could contemplate going anywhere near it. He felt his muscles tense and bunch up and Mulder soothed him, leaning down to kiss his bare shoulders, to nibble at his earlobe and lick his neck. At last he started to relax, stroking his partner’s cock more insistently now until he could feel it grow harder under his embrace.

 

“But what do we do with it?” he asked, scared of the answer.

 

“I’m not sure…” Mulder looked down on him. “We could…would you like to try me going inside you?”
“No way!” He froze again, then met Mulder’s eyes.

 

“Trust me, Walter. Please. You always did before.” Mulder said and his tone was heartrending. Skinner tried to nod.

 

“I want to…I’m scared…” He admitted. “I’ve never…”
“I know. But we have to be prepared to take risks. I took a risk when I came round here that day all those months ago. Nobody had ever been in me before either. I took a chance with you. Won’t you take a chance with me? Or is it that you can’t be vulnerable with anyone, not truly open yourself up to anyone? Not even to me.”
“I…” he stared into Mulder’s eyes and shuddered. “I never wanted to be made love to like that. That’s all.”
“Then how do you know whether you’d like it or not?” Mulder’s fingers caressed his body, gently stroking him and he felt the beginnings of arousal.

 

“I suppose I don’t,” he admitted.

 

“It’s not an ordeal, Walter.” Mulder whispered softly. “It’s a journey. Please be open to the possibilities.”
“Alright, I will. I will try.” Skinner nodded. “Be patient with me.”

 

“Of course. Oh, Walter…I love you. Of course I’ll be patient.” Mulder reached down and undid his partner’s pants, unbuckling his belt, unzipping his trousers and easing them down, slowly peeling his boxers away from his thighs. “This is a bit of a disappointment, Walter.” He said, frowning down at Skinner’s still unerect cock. “I’m not used to there being quite so little action going on down here!” He bent his head down and ran his tongue over the cock and it flickered into life, arcing a little.

 

“Perhaps I should…in you…” Skinner murmured. When Mulder had been female they had experimented on occasion, initially at Mulder’s insistence but both finding some pleasure in it.

 

“With this? I don’t think so.” Mulder sighed, tutting over the still far too limp condition of his lover’s penis. “Mine however, is ready and willing to go!” He fondled his cock for a moment, then turned Skinner over onto his front and ran practised hands over the other man’s back. “Relax, sweetheart…” He massaged gently, finding some oil in the bedside drawer, rubbing it in, kissing Skinner’s bare head, licking his neck. Skinner found his muscles loosening but they tensed up whenever Mulder went anywhere near his buttocks. “It’s okay. I’m not going to rape you.” Mulder laughed, inserting a finger inside his lover. “Now look, Walter, we’ve done this much before and you always liked it, so stop being silly.” Mulder said firmly. Walter sighed and relaxed, remembering how much he had enjoyed it when the female Mulder had done this. Mulder pushed his fingers inside him, more insistently and he groaned. “I have to say, that when you entered me this way, as a woman, I quite liked it. You might like it too.” Mulder whispered. “It’s worth trying once, isn’t it?” He thrust his fingers and Walter moaned.

 

“That’s not fair…” he complained. “I’m at a disadvantage with your fingers…there….” He gave himself up to the pleasure of it, opening himself up to those thrusting fingers and Mulder grinned. He found the condoms that Skinner kept next to the bed and put one on, making sure his partner was well lubricated by the oil he had used in the massage, then he gently placed the tip if his cock in his partner’s opening. Skinner tensed and Mulder ran his fingers along his back.

 

“Ssh…it’s alright. It’s only me…sshh.” He thrust himself in as carefully as he could, hearing Skinner’s little moan – of pleasure? Of pain? He wasn’t sure. He angled himself forward, enjoying the constricting feel of his lover’s tight passage around his cock. Skinner moaned and bit the pillow. This was…painful, yes, but not as painful as he would have imagined and there was a peculiar pleasure to the sensation, a strange sense of being filled, possessed, owned almost. A feeling of helpless abandon. He winced as Mulder gathered speed, thrusting into him more quickly now but the oil lubricated his path and soon he found himself sliding backwards to meet the thrusts, enjoying the feel of the other man inside him, finally feeling his own cock harden. Mulder seemed to reach a frenzy and just when Skinner thought he couldn’t take any more, that he was being pressed too hard, too far, too fast, Mulder came with a big sigh, easing himself out and throwing himself down on top of his prone lover, kissing his broad back, enveloping him in his arms.

 

“Alright…are you okay…?” he asked anxiously.

 

“Yes, fine. You’ll be quite proud of me…” Skinner said. “Look…” He pulled Mulder’s hand round to his cock and Mulder laughed.

 

“Well that’s more like it, loverboy!” He grinned, angling his head down and taking the erect penis in his mouth, sucking it expertly in the way he knew his lover enjoyed until soon it was Skinner’s turn to climax.

 

They lay there for a while, soaked in sweat and semen.

 

“So.” Mulder faced his lover, taking him in his arms. “Did the earth move for you?” He asked with a grin.

 

“It was…an experience.” Skinner admitted. “I don’t know what else to say. It’s all too new, too soon. I certainly didn’t hate it.”

 

“Good. You’ll get used to it. I’m sure you will.” Mulder smiled and Skinner closed his eyes.

 

Yes I will, he thought, but do I want to? And what about work? What happens there? What happens when you go back to being an insubordinate jerk and Scully starts fancying you again and your hormones reassert themselves and I have to find myself being jealous of women instead of other men? This can’t work, Fox. There’s just no way it can work.

 

Scully ran towards him and enveloped him an astonished hug.

 

“Mulder?” she queried. “Mulder???? You didn’t tell me you’d decided.”
“I didn’t tell anyone,” he admitted, shame-faced.

 

“And was it the right decision?” She asked. “Are you happy now?”

 

“I…” He paused. “Do you know I’m not sure? For all that I wanted to be back…I came to really enjoy being a woman and…” He flushed and put his head down.

 

“Skinner?” Scully said. “How’s he about this?”

 

“Confused.” Mulder admitted. “And trying hard as I knew he would. But…” He shrugged.

 

“It’s a hard one to throw at somebody.” Scully told him.

 

“Yes.” Mulder stared at the floor. He had only just begun to realise how much Skinner must love him and suddenly he felt unworthy of that love. As if he had taken it and played with it and stretched it to breaking point just to see exactly what its limits were. And Skinner never once protested or whined or accused. He just took everything Mulder threw at him, all the way along the line and it wasn’t right or fair. Mulder felt a sudden sense of guilt. He went over to his desk and stared glumly at his computer screen.

 

“It was the right decision wasn’t it, Mulder?” Scully questioned.

 

“I don’t know.” He hung his head, feeling shamed. “I thought it was and yet…I miss that person I was. I suppose I’ll get used to being this way again but what if…what if I’ve just thrown away something more precious than anything I’ve ever had in my whole life? What if I’ve lost him, Scully?” He felt the tears rise in his eyes. Tears he would never have been ashamed of as a woman but which now, as a man, he brushed angrily away. His eyes strayed to the evidence they had bagged up on the shelf, wondering what side effects there would be, if any, to the two massive changes his body had undergone. Tests were already being run. If the vials proved safe then they would revolutionise the treatment of transsexuals.

 

Skinner read the report and gazed at Agent Mulder as he sat in his office. His throat constricted as he glanced over his lover’s body. It didn’t arouse him specifically, not just to look at, as it had when Mulder had been female. Yet all the same there were things that Mulder could do to him in bed that would arouse him enough for them to make love. It was still good. He had been right about Mulder’s hormones reasserting themselves though. Two months had passed since he had changed back and now sometimes when they were out together it felt more like they were buddies than lovers as they both surreptitiously glanced at women, flirted with them. Skinner felt so insecure in this relationship that he was tempted to end it more times than he could count but something in those hazel eyes always held him back.

 

“We can make this work.” Mulder told him. “Because we love each other and we want it to work.” And he nodded, agreed, because of what it had been like, but inside..inside he had deep reservations. He felt himself disappearing behind a wall of silence, a wall that Mulder seemed to be taking less and less trouble to breach these days.

 

Mulder watched his lover as he stared at the report. He knew he loved this man – you couldn’t know so much about someone, feel so much passion for someone, just to have that disappear. And yet…now when he looked at Skinner he no longer felt quite the same need to jump the man’s bones. He remembered the many times when he had sat here as a woman, just imagining undressing his lover, caressing his shoulders, being as close to him as it was humanly possible to be. He felt guilty for being a parasite in the relationship, always taking, never giving anything back. Sometimes his temper and frustration got the better of him and he stormed around, making a fuss and yet Skinner never retaliated. His deep confusion about the relationship often showed in his troubled eyes but he remained steadfast. Sometimes Mulder hated himself for putting his lover through this and he knew he expressed his self loathing all wrong, taking it out on the one person he wanted more than anything else in the world to make happy.

 

“What is it?” Mulder asked.

 

“What?” Skinner looked up, frowning.

 

“You’ve been reading that damn report for half an hour and I swear I haven’t seen your eyes move. You certainly haven’t turned a page. What’s going on?”
“Nothing. Don’t talk to me like that in here.” Skinner frowned.

 

“If you’re not happy with my work…” Mulder could feel himself getting angry.

 

“Your work’s fine!” Skinner threw the report down on the desk.

 

“Then what? You want me to move out. Is that it?”
“I…no.” Skinner said softly, agonised. “I don’t. I love you but does it always have to be such a struggle?”

 

“It’s changed. I was wrong to think it wouldn’t.” Mulder said.

 

“It’s okay. I suppose I always knew I love you more than you love me.” Skinner said sadly, taking off his glasses. “You’re a free spirit. You’ve moved on, Fox. You want to say goodbye but you’re scared of hurting me. It’s okay.” He shrugged. Mulder stared at him, speechless. “I’ll let you go.” Skinner ran a tired hand over his eyes. “Please, just go quickly. No long speeches, no regrets. What we had was good.” He handed the report back to his agent. “Goodbye, Fox.” He said. Mulder still stared at him then got up, crossed the room without saying a word and left.

 

Skinner knew he would find his apartment empty when he got back and he was right. Mulder’s clothes were gone, his masculine clothes at least. The feminine ones had been bagged up and were packaged away in a cupboard somewhere. He hadn’t bothered to take them. His jeans, tee shirts, boots…all gone. Skinner walked around the apartment in a daze, wondering how it had come to this, trying to trace the inevitable path from the beginning of this doomed relationship to the end. Then he poured himself a drink and downed it in one go, then another, then another. Finally he lay himself back down on the bed in an alcoholic haze.

 

He had no idea how long he spent waking, drinking, sleeping. A few days maybe. Then one day he woke up with a scent of orange blossom clinging to his nostrils from a dream. In his dream he had felt her hands, her soft body, her enticing breasts. Damn! He turned over and found himself scrunched up against something warm. He opened his eyes to find himself drowning in hazel.

 

“You’re awake. I wondered when you’d finally sleep it off.” She reached out a hand to caress his stubbly jaw. He struggled into coherence.

 

“Fox?” He queried, blearily.

 

“Yes. It’s me. You were wrong about me, Walter. You don’t love me more than I love you.”

 

“But…you didn’t do this just for me, did you?” He felt a wave of pain and shame. “I would never have wanted you to…”

 

“No.” She kissed his forehead softly. “I found I missed it, but more than that, I missed what we had together. And I like being a woman, truly. I think the sex is better for a start although there isn’t a man alive that will believe that! And without you…well, man or woman, there is no happiness for me. I have no idea what sort of strain all this changing puts on someone’s body but it was a risk I was prepared to take. So far I haven’t felt any side effects so we’ll just have to wait and see. You do still want me, don’t you, Walter?” She asked anxiously. “I mean…you haven’t changed your mind…?”

 

“No.” He pulled her close. “I love you, Fox Mulder,” was all he said.

 

THE END