General & Dr Sheppard: 5. The Long Night
Â
John unbuckled himself from his console and went to the back of the jumper where Rodney was still lying where theyâd left him.
Â
âAre we home yet?â Rodney asked, his eyelids fluttering open.
Â
John took a deep breath and sat down beside him to check over the damage. âNot yet,â he murmured. âWeâve had to make an unscheduled stopover. Iâll get you to Carson as soon as I can, Rodney. Now, where does it hurt?â
Â
âOh, great,â Rodney sighed. âFirst of all, I get skewered by crazy people wearing animal skins and now I get to have you as my personal physician. No offence, Colonel, but youâre not exactly Dr. Beckett.â
Â
âWell, Iâm the best youâve got right now,â John told him, unzipping Rodneyâs jacket and sliding it carefully off the other manâs crooked arm.
Â
âOw! No, ow!â Rodney protested and his face went a sickly shade of green. John managed to get the jacket off him and threw it onto the bunk.
Â
âHis shoulder is wrenched from where they staked him,â Ronon informed them helpfully from behind, where he was watching the proceedings with his usual air of mild disinterest. âIt should be strapped up. I could do that.â
Â
âNo thank you!â Rodney snapped. âI think Iâd prefer to wait until we get back and have it done under a full anesthetic.â
Â
âCarson probably wouldnât anesthetize you for that,â John told him with a grin. If Rodney was complaining, then he couldnât be too badly hurt. He turned his attention to Rodneyâs face. The scientist had a large bruise on his jaw, and, more worryingly, a deep cut on his forehead which was dripping blood. John took hold of Rodneyâs face in his hands to examine it and Rodney went still beneath him in a way that felt oddly nice. There was blood running down the side of Rodneyâs face and John felt a sudden, overwhelming urge to lean in and press his tongue against it to stem the tide, the way heâd seen the general do to his Rodney earlier that day. The impulse was so strong that he felt himself moving, wanting to hold Rodney down and doâŚsome-thingâŚhe wasnât sure what.
Â
âWhat the hell are you doing?â Rodney protested, placing a hand on Johnâs chest to keep him at bay, and John came to a halt, startled, and realized that his mouth was just inches away from Rodneyâs forehead.
Â
âJustâŚlooking,â John said, unconvincingly.
Â
âLooked more like you were sniffing,â Rodney said suspiciously.
Â
John got up quickly and turned to the general. âThat cut is pretty deep. Couldnât youâyou know, do that thing you did earlier?â he asked. âThe Kaeira or whatever you called it.â
Â
The general gave him a surprised look. âNo. It wouldnât work,â he said, shaking his head.
Â
âWhy the hell not?â John asked. âIt worked on your Rodney.â
Â
âThatâs because weâre lifebonded,â the general replied, fingering the pendant around his neck. âI can only heal Rodney and he can only heal meâitâs the way it works. I canât heal just anyone.â
Â
âCould I heal him?â John asked, glancing back at his Rodney, who was looking very pale and was clearly in shock.
Â
âNot unless you were lifebonded, no,â the general said. âAnd I really donât think Dr. McKay could stand that ritual right now. Heâs too weak. Apart from anything else, itâs not something you can rush into in the heat of the moment. It takes preparation and you have to be in the right mental place. AlsoâŚthe title means exactly what it says. Youâd be bonded for life. Heâd be yours and youâd be his and somehow Iâm not sure youâre ready for that yet.â
Â
âWhat the hell are you all talking about?â Rodney muttered wearily behind him.
Â
âNothing. JustâŚexploring an option,â John replied, feeling angry again, although this time he didnât even know why. He had no particular wish to bond with Rodney for life, whatever the hell that entailed, but at the same time there was a part of him that liked the thought of Rodney being his, completely and irrevocably. He felt guilty about it because Rodney was injured, but dammit, heâd liked how Rodney had felt under him just now, when heâd held still while John examined him.
Â
âKaeira may not be exactly what you think it is, in any case,â the general told him softly. âI didnât heal Rodneyâwe just shared the wound between us to lessen its effect. Look.â He moved aside the collar of his jacket to reveal a faint red mark on his neck, very similar to the one on Rodneyâs neck.
Â
John stared at the general, dumbfounded. Just when he thought he understood these men, that he was getting a handle on how it worked between them, he went and discovered something like thisâsomething that showed how very different both they and their universe were.
Â
âWe donât have that, whatever it is,â John said. âIâve never heard of that in this universe.â
Â
âJust because youâve never heard of it doesnât mean it doesnât exist here,â Rodney Sheppard pointed out. âIt worked for us, despite the fact weâre not supposed to be here. While weâre here, weâre subject to the laws of your universe, so if Kaeira was unique to our universe, then it shouldnât be possible here, but it was because we did it. Not that Iâm suggesting you lifebond with McKay to help him because, frankly, the way things are between you two right now, youâd probably end up killing each other during the bonding ritual, butâŚâ
Â
âOkay, Rodney. I think youâve explained that enough,â the general cut in.
Â
âJust saying.â Rodney Sheppard shrugged.
Â
âLook, I donât care what kind of healing gizmo theyâve got,â Rodney said behind him, âbut Iâm seriously freaked out by all this talk of lifebonding, so can you all just shut up and let me get some sleep?â
Â
John turned around sharply. âNo,â he said firmly. âThe one thing you canât do right now is sleep, Rodney. Youâve got a concussion. Youâve been drifting in and out of consciousness for the past couple of hours and you need to stay lucid. I donât want you to be in a coma by the time we get you back to Carson.â
Â
âI really donât think itâs that bad,â Rodney said, sitting up straight to glare at John with more intensityâŚan effect that was ruined when his face went green and he leaned over and retched onto the floor of the jumper.
Â
John winced. âJust sit back and donât move,â he said, sitting down beside Rodney and putting a firm hand on his good shoulder, stroking him to calm him down. âRonon, get me a medical kit. Looks like weâll have to do things the old fashioned way,â he sighed.
Â
John managed to make Rodney comfortable and then he examined the contents of the medical kit. âHold still and try to be a better patient for me than you are for Carson,â he admonished, squeezing some antiseptic lotion onto the wound on Rodneyâs forehead. Rodney grimaced, but held still while John cleaned up the wound and then pressed a bandage onto it and fastened it. The cut was deep and John doubted the bandage would stem the blood flow for the entire night, but it was the best he could do.
Â
Rodney lay back when he was done, and closed his eyes. He didnât look good.
Â
John prodded his leg. âEyes open, Rodney. You need to stay awake, remember?â
Â
âThen keep me awake!â Rodney snapped.
Â
John gazed around at the assembled company. They were all tired, hungry, disheveled and miserable and wanted nothing more than to get back home, and instead they were stuck here for the night with a wounded team member. Teyla was sitting up front by one of the consoles, her hair all mussed up, while a muddy Ronon was lounging on the floor, his arms loosely wrapped around his knees. The general and his Rodney were seated on the opposite bunk and were the only ones who looked remotely comfortable, John thought. Rodney Sheppard was leaning against his husbandâs shoulder and the general had an arm wrapped around him and was stroking his neck gently with one long index finger. John sighed and wished he could do that with his own Rodney right nowâand not be met by a hissing, snarling handful of outraged scientist. There was no way his Rodney would ever lean into him like that. He noticed his Rodneyâs eyes drooping and prodded him again, earning an angry glare from the scientist.
Â
âOkay, we need to talk about something,â John said. âAnything. Just to keep McKay awake.â
Â
âWe could talk about what a huge fuck-up this mission was,â Rodney Sheppard muttered. âSeriously, was there anyone who didnât fuck up? I got held hostage.â
Â
âI did not see the men who attacked us and so was not able to warn you in time,â Teyla said with a sigh.
Â
âI omitted to tell the colonel the full details about our own trip to this planet,â the general said.
Â
John nodded to him, glad the other man was big enough to own up to that. John realized that he was actually a little bit relieved to find that his counterpart did make mistakes. Heâd put him on something of a pedestal and it was good to know that the man was human after all.
Â
âAnd I gave Ronon some orders which didnât pan out too well in practice,â John replied.
Â
The general nodded back at him and they shared a moment of quiet understanding.
Â
âI didnât fuck up,â Rodney McKay said.
Â
âOh, you so did,â his counterpart snorted. âThe colonel told you to get out of that chamber and you didnât.â
Â
âYeah, well, I noticed how you hot-footed it out of there the minute the general told you to jump, leaving me behind,â Rodney scowled.
Â
âAnd if youâd done the same, then maybe we wouldnât have had to rescue you,â John interjected, wondering just how long it had taken the general to drum those âbasic rulesâ heâd mentioned into his Rodney and whether heâd have similar success if he tried it.
Â
âOh, great. So this is all my fault now,â Rodney griped. âThatâs fine. Blame the dying guy. He canât fight back.â
Â
âYouâre not dying,â John snapped. âAnd you seem to be doing just fine with the fighting back thing. That head wound isnât slowing you down any when it comes to complaining.â
Â
âRight now, I have a lot to complain about,â Rodney retorted.
Â
âYeah well, join the club.â
Â
âAnd what did you mean about giving Ronon some orders that didnât pan out too well in practice?â Rodney asked.
Â
John shifted uneasily. âI told him to stick close to Dr. Sheppard, not to leave him on his own,â he muttered.
Â
Rodney gazed at him steadily for a moment, and then realization hit and John was surprised to see a sudden burst of sheer, naked hurt flash into the scientistâs eyes.
Â
âRight. Fine,â Rodney muttered, gazing at John out of a pair of wounded blue eyes.
Â
John winced, knowing exactly what was going through Rodneyâs mind right now and how he was convinced that he was bottom on Johnâs list of priorities. The truth was so much the opposite that John felt winded and he gazed helplessly back at Rodney, wishing he could explain that to him.
Â
âOh, God,â Rodney Sheppard said in an undertone to his husband. âHonestly, itâs painful to watch sometimes.â
Â
âShh,â his husband replied. âTheyâll figure it out.â
Â
âThere is absolutely nothing to figure out,â Rodney McKay snapped.
Â
Everyone glared at everyone else.
Â
âI didnât screw up,â Ronon said. Everyone glared at him. âWell, I didnât,â he shrugged.
Â
âHeâs right,â John said. âYou get the mission Gold Star, Ronon.â
Â
Ronon sat back, looking pleased with himself.
Â
âWait, wait, wait!â Rodney sat up too quickly, and then swayed, the blood draining away from his face.
Â
John put a hand on his arm. âSteady, Rodney. Take it easy.â
Â
âI knew I didnât fuck upâI got the crystals!â Rodney said. âIn my jacket pocket.â He clicked his fingers impatiently at John and pointed at his jacket. John handed it over to him. Rodney fished around excitedly in the inner pocket and pulled out a handful of crystalsâŚall of them broken. Rodneyâs face crumpled. âDamn,â he muttered. âMust have been smashed when they knocked me out,â he said, looking utterly dejected. âSorry,â he murmured to the general and the other Rodney. âWould have been good if they were okay. Could have sent you home within a couple of days.â
Â
âYou tried, Rodney,â John told him, shaking his head.
Â
âAnd failed,â Rodney said bitterly. He lay back down again, the shattered crystals falling from his fingers onto the puddle jumper floor. He looked so utterly miserable that John wished he could put an arm around him and pull him close.
Â
The general leaned forward and gave Rodney a gentle smile.
Â
âItâs okay, Dr. McKay. It would have been nice to go home, but we donât mind hanging around a little longer. Weâll get the QDD fixed somehow. I have complete faith in both my husband and you. If anyone can sort this out, you two will do it.â
Â
âYeah, because heâs so damn perfect,â Rodney snapped, scowling at his doppelganger. âHe didnât drag anyone out of their universe against their will, and he jumped like a rabbit when ordered out of that chamber, so he didnât get caught, knocked out, tied to a stake and dragged through acres of muddy fields and then strapped down onto a sacrificial table by blood-thirsty aliens.â
Â
The general smiled broadly, which John thought was pretty nice of him considering Rodneyâs outburst. âHeâs not perfect. Neither am I. Weâve both fucked up in our own universe,â he told Rodney.
Â
âReally? How? Weâve got some time on our hands and Iâm all ears,â Rodney said, wrapping his good arm across his chest and gazing expectantly at the general. âI could do with hearing something entertaining right now.â
Â
The general glanced at his husband. âDo you mind me telling this story?â he asked.
Â
Dr. Sheppard chewed on his lip miserably. âI donât like remembering it,â he muttered.
Â
âThis is sounding more and more appealing,â Rodney said in a tone of some glee.
Â
John prodded his leg again. âBe nice,â he warned. âThis is a very small ship and weâve got to spend several hours together.â
Â
âWell, theyâve been so holier-than-thou since they got here!â Rodney exploded. ââIn our universe, we donât have any hang ups about freaky, gay, leather sex. In our universe, we donât lock people up. In our universe, weâre not sexually repressed like you people,’â he parodied. ââWe donât suck people out of their own universes against their will. Weâre much too clever for that. And in our universe we like to wear collars and leashes and have constant sex with tubloads of lube.’â
Â
âWhat?â John raised an eyebrow.
Â
Rodney flushed.
Â
âI asked him for some lube the other day. It seemed to freak him out,â the general explained. John had to bite back a grin as he imagined how Rodney had reacted to that. âLook, Dr. McKay, Iâm sorry if you feel weâre throwing our weight around. We donât mean to. Itâs just that weâre used to things being a certain way in our universe and itâs just hard to adjust,â the general said in a conciliatory tone. âBut, trust me, weâre not perfect.â
Â
âIt was Duranda,â Rodney Sheppard said unexpectedly. âThe Arcturus weapon? Thatâs the story he wants to tell.â
Â
âOh. That.â Rodney went strangely quiet.
Â
âI persuaded John to let me go and work on the weapon again. He persuaded my Lady Elizabeth.â Rodney Sheppard bit on his lip. âWe blew up half the solar system and Lady Elizabeth was really, really mad.â Rodney Sheppard winced. âIt was a big fuck-up all around.â
Â
âAw, did daddy spank you?â Rodney asked, in a less than kind tone.
Â
âNo,â Rodney said quietly, gazing at the general. âNo, he didnât. I still think he should have, but thatâs his decision.â
Â
âIt wasnât his fault,â the general said quietly, sitting back and putting an arm around his husband again, pulling him close. âI know what heâs like when he gets intellectually excited by something and I knew what was going on with him. I agreed to take his case to Lady Elizabeth. I supported him. It was my responsibility when it failed, not Rodneyâs.â
Â
âSo what happened?â John asked, fascinated by this glimpse into how their society worked.
Â
âLady Elizabeth wanted me to punish him,â the general replied. âThis was a huge mistake, committed in the public domain, and she thought he should be publicly punished.â
Â
âOh, my God,â Rodney breathed. âYou people really are sick.â
Â
âDo you want to hear the story or not?â Rodney Sheppard snapped.
Â
McKay shrugged and sat back, but he was clearly interested, despite himself.
Â
âItâs the way our society works,â the general explained. âMy Lady Elizabeth felt Rodney deserved a public reprimand. The sentence was 30 swats. As Rodneyâs top, I was responsible for delivering the penalty. While you have a brig, we have a designated punishment roomâand anyone can attend and watch if itâs a public disciplinary.â
Â
âOh, God,â Rodney breathed again, looking extremely uncomfortable.
Â
âI refused to agree to the penalty,â the general said. âRodney hadnât lied to me. Yes, he was perhaps too eager to go back and work on the weapon, and, yes, he let his intellectual
Â
arrogance overwhelm his better judgment, but I knew all that and still I agreed to support him.â
Â
âSoâŚyou refused to punish him?â John said slowly.
Â
âYes.â The general nodded.
Â
âDoes that mean someone else had to do it?â John asked.
Â
âNo! I wouldnât let anyone else touch him!â the general said in a horrified tone.
Â
âSo what happens in that situation?â
Â
âWhat do you think?â the general asked.
Â
It all slotted into placeâRodney Sheppardâs evident misery at the thought of this story being told, and what the general had said to him the previous day about John taking some of the blame for their own Arcturus disaster. John flushed.
Â
âYou took the punishment for him,â he said slowly.
Â
âYeah,â the general nodded. Rodney Sheppard made a little sound in the back of his throat and nestled closer to his husband. The general stroked his arm gently.
Â
âIâm guessing that must have beenâŚkind of humiliating.â John made a face.
Â
âIt was. Iâm the highest-ranking top on the base apart from my Lady Elizabeth,â the general said with a sigh. âI also run the military operation and Iâm in charge of all the military discipline, so this was a pretty damn humiliating situation to be in. It wasnât an easy decision to make, but I couldnât in all conscience allow Rodney to take all the blame. It wouldnât have been right. I knew Iâd allowed myself to be persuaded against my better judgment and that was my fault, not his.â
Â
âSo what happened?â John asked. âWho punished you? Rodney?â
Â
âNo!â The general grinned. âNo, thatâs not the way it works in our universe, John. As I said, Lady Elizabeth is the highest-ranking top, but she rarely administers any punishments herself. She puts Peter in charge of that, the way I put Lorne in charge of it for the military personnel. She and I have enough to do, frankly, without overseeing that as well.â
Â
âPeter Grodin?â Rodney McKay asked, frowning. âI thought you said he was her sub?â
Â
âHeâs a switch,â Rodney Sheppard replied. âIt works well for himâhe gets to sub to Elizabeth in their private relationship and be pretty toppy with the rest of us as part of his job. He seems happy about it, anyway.â
Â
âYour entire society is just so hard for us to understand,â John told the general, shaking his head.
Â
âThen youâll understand that we feel the same way about yours,â the general replied. âMy Lady Elizabeth accepted my decision to take the punishment in Rodneyâs stead. I presented myself in the punishment room at eleven the following morning and it took place.â He shrugged.
Â
âNobody went to watch,â Rodney Sheppard added in a proud tone. âThey all like and respect him too much. Nobody wanted to see him humiliated. It was just Elizabeth and Peter.â
Â
âAnd theyâre two of my closest friends, so it wasnât too bad,â the general added.
Â
John frowned. âIf theyâre good friends, then Iâd have thought it would be even worse,â he commented.
Â
âNo. Nobody liked it, least of all me, trust me,â the general laughed. âBut it was done quickly and quietly, with the minimum of fuss, and then I was able to go back to my quarters and Rodney spent the whole day trying to make it up to me in various, extremely inventive ways, so it wasnât all bad.â He grinned at his husband affectionately.
Â
âCrazy. Completely insane,â Rodney McKay muttered to himself.
Â
âI think it is very romantic,â Teyla said. âYou must love each other very much.â
Â
The general and Dr. Sheppard grinned at her and Rodney sighed heavily.
Â
âOh, for Godâs sake, donât encourage them,â he muttered, closing his eyes.
Â
John prodded him again to keep him awake. âI think itâs a nice story as well,â he said.
Â
âWell, I didnât notice you volunteering to take my place in Elizabethâs office after she chewed me out for the same bloody mission in our universe,â Rodney snapped at him.
Â
âWell, thatâs because you and I arenât married and I donât get any blow jobs from you,â John retorted, enjoying the look of shock that passed over Rodneyâs face.
Â
âUgh. These people are having a bad effect on you, Colonel,â Rodney told him primly.
Â
John grinned and then found himself laughing. He couldnât stop himself. The general joined in, and then Ronon, and then they were all laughingâexcept for Rodney McKay, who sat there with a face like a sour lemon.
Â
Â
The night wore on, long and weary, and blood began to seep through Rodneyâs bandage. John could see that the scientist was growing weaker. His face was as pale as a Wraithâs right now, and he gradually stopped talking although he was still valiantly trying to remain awake.
Â
âHeyâŚtime to change that bandage,â John said gently, nudging him.
Â
âTiredâŚâ Rodney muttered, his eyes rolling backwards.
Â
John caught hold of his head as it clunked to one side. âStay with us, Rodney,â he said in a low, firm tone.
Â
Rodneyâs eyelids fluttered closed and then, with a great sense of struggle, opened again. âJust a nap?â he asked.
Â
âNo,â John replied, carefully undoing the soiled bandage and placing another one over the wound.
Â
âNot even a really short one? A catnap?â Rodney requested blurrily.
Â
John held his face firmly between his hands and looked into Rodneyâs confused blue eyes. âNo. Now stay with me, Rodney!â
Â
âDammit, John, Iâm tired,â Rodney muttered.
Â
John stared at him. It was the first time Rodney had ever called him by his first name, so he knew the scientistâs condition must be serious. Rodney would only let his guard down if he was feeling too ill to notice. âI know, Rodney, I know,â he said softly, his thumbs moving gently over Rodneyâs cheeks. âIt wonât be much longer. Are you in any pain?â
Â
âJustâŚfeel cold,â Rodney said, his good hand coming up to rest on Johnâs wrist.
Â
âChrist, Rodney, youâre cold as ice,â John said.
Â
âHeâs in shock,â the general said, leaving his bunk and coming over to look at the scientist. âWe need blankets.â He rifled through the survival gear stored under the bunks and fished out a couple of blankets and handed them to John.
Â
John thought about it for a moment, and then, not caring what Rodney or anyone else thought, he scrambled onto the bunk beside Rodney, pulled him over so that the scientist was resting against his body and tugged the blankets around them both. Rodney was too out of it to do more than murmur a slight whine of complaint, but John thought that was more because the movement hurt his arm than a protest about sharing Johnâs body warmth.
Â
âYouâll soon warm up now,â John told him, using the cover provided by the blankets to disguise the fact that he had wrapped an arm around Rodneyâs chest and was holding him tight against him. The back of Rodneyâs head came to rest on Johnâs shoulder and despite the circumstances, John couldnât help thinking that it felt good there. It felt right, as it if belonged there. He rested his cheek against the side of Rodneyâs head, fighting all his instincts to kiss the other manâs hair. Rodney settled back against him, his body relaxed in Johnâs graspâalthough John was sure that was only because he was so sick. If heâd been well, John knew the scientist would have been pushing him away as quickly as he could.
Â
An hour or so passed and the others all fell asleep, leaving just him and Rodney lying there, Rodneyâs weight warm and solid against Johnâs chest, both of them staring into space. Rodney shivered and whimpered every so often and John felt helpless, knowing there was nothing he could do but stay here and keep Rodney warm until morning. Rodneyâs eyelids drooped again and John squeezed him.
Â
âWake up, Rodney.â
Â
âCanât. Just let me sleep,â Rodney replied, his eyes remaining closed.
Â
John squeezed him more firmly. âNo. Eyes openâthatâs an order,â he said.
Â
âIâm not military,â Rodney slurred. âCanât order me around.â
Â
âSure I can. Iâm in charge of this mission and it isnât over yet, so you have to do what I say.â John moved his head and spoke directly into Rodneyâs ear, softly, in an undertone. âEyes open, Rodney. Do it for me. Trust me.â
Â
Rodney seemed to think about this for a moment and then, with an act of will so great that John could feel it through every single muscle in Rodneyâs body, the scientist opened his eyes. John gave him another reassuring squeeze and held on tight. He knew he should feel guilty, but this might be the only chance he got to hold Rodney and although he was worried about the scientistâs condition, he couldnât help but relish the opportunity to hold him in his arms.
Â
John started whispering stuff in Rodneyâs ear just to keep him going. He thought Rodney was listeningâevery so often he gave a little grunt or his eyes widened as if he was following what John was talking about. It wasnât anything particularly interestingâjust a mish-mash of facts about his life and any stray thoughts that entered his head.
Â
âDid you know I threw up the first time I went flying?â John said.
Â
Rodney managed a twisted little grin at that. âFlyboy not so tough, huh?â he whispered.
Â
âNahâwanted to fly something, anything, all through my childhood, and then when I finally got the chance, I threw up. Had to work a long time on overcoming the motion sickness,â John said. Rodney was silent again. John searched desperately for a new topic of conversation.
Â
âI always wanted a dog as a kid, but we moved around too much. Dad said it wouldnât be fair. He was right.â
Â
âHad a dog. Ran away,â Rodney muttered. âCats simpler.â
Â
âYeah. I like cats, too,â John said, remembering Rodney had owned a cat back on Earth. Heâd always thought it was strange that someone as prickly as Rodney had owned a petâand clearly been so attached to it. Now that he thought about it, it struck him that Rodney resembled a cat a bit himselfâall sharp claws and hissingâto say nothing of the ruffled fur and wounded dignity whenever he was upset. He wondered if it was possible to tame the scientist, to smooth down that fluffed up fur and coax a purr from him, maybe even get him eating from his hand and twining around his legs. Heâd never have thought so if he hadnât seen the way Rodney Sheppard behaved with the general. John glanced over at the opposite bunk and looked at the two of them lying there together, side by side, fast asleep. The general had an arm wrapped around his Rodneyâs waist and his Rodney was pressed back against him, looking utterly relaxed. The generalâs chin was resting in the crook of his Rodneyâs neck, so close that it looked like he was kissing him, and his Rodney looked as happy and contented as a cat as he lay there in his husbandâs arms. John felt a pang of envy and glanced down at his own Rodney, wishing it could be the same for them.
Â
Rodney managed to stay awake for the rest of the nightâmore through cussedness than anything else, John thought, although he did wonder whether Rodney had responded, on some level, to the order heâd given him, and his request to trust him; Rodney hadnât tried to sleep since then.
Â
When dawn finally broke, John left Rodneyâs side for the first time and walked over to the front of the puddle jumper to peer out. Outside there were plumes of smoke and the usual sense of desolation and carnage that accompanied a culling.
Â
âPoor bastards,â the general said, coming up behind him, stretching his long, lean body as he walked.
Â
âItâs hard to feel that much sympathy with them bearing in mind how they treated us and what they did to Rodney,â John muttered.
Â
âYeah, but look at it from their point of view. It must look to them like their gods are angry with them for not offering up that promised sacrifice when we freed Rodney last night. You can see why a primitive people like this would believe in vengeful gods when the Wraith have this habit of turning up every so often to feed on them.â
Â
âI suppose, but right now I have to admit I donât care much about them. I just want to get Rodney back to Carson,â John said, glancing over his shoulder to where the scientist was still seated on the back bunk of the jumper. Rodney had stopped talking a long time ago, and although his blue eyes remained open by some act of utter obstinacy on his part, they had long since stopped focusing on anything and were just staring blankly ahead, oblivious to his surroundings.
Â
âThe gateâs still open,â the general observed, glancing at the console.
Â
âYeah, but most of the darts have left, so it shouldnât be long,â John said, buckling himself into his seat. âHold tight, everyone,â he said over his shoulder. âBecause weâre out of here as soon as that gate becomes free.â
Â
âRodney, sit with Dr. McKay,â the general ordered. âMake sure heâs secured.â
Â
The next few minutes passed as slowly as any that John had ever known, and then suddenly the darts were gone and the gate closed and John slammed his hand onto the console and took the ship straight up into the air. Beside him, the general dialed out and John flew straight for the gate.
Â
âMedical emergency,â John yelled as soon as they had a communications link. âWe need Dr. Beckett as soon as weâre through.â
Â
Within minutes, they had landed back in Atlantis, and within seconds, there was bustle everywhere. Carson pushed past him with a medical team and maneuvered Rodney onto a gurney. John was disturbed by the fact that Rodney didnât even cry out when they moved him and he was about to follow on behind the gurney when Elizabeth intercepted him.
Â
âJohn, what the hell happened?â she demanded. âWhatâs the matter with Rodney? Why were you gone so long? Why didnât you stay in radio communication with us? Did you get those crystals?â
Â
âIâŚ.â John stared at her blankly, realizing she deserved a full briefing, but unable to think about anything else but how Rodney was right now.
Â
âIâll handle the briefing,â the general said, stepping up beside him and touching his arm. âGo, John. Iâll take care of it.â
Â
John nodded gratefully and left the general to it. He ran all the way to the infirmary and got there to find Carson bustling around Rodneyâs pale, still form.
Â
âHowâs he doing?â John asked, running up to Rodneyâs bedside.
Â
âHeâs lost a lot of blood. We need to get a tube into him,â Carson said, sticking a needle into Rodneyâs arm.
Â
âHeâs got a badly wrenched shoulder as well,â John told him.
Â
âAye, I can see that.â
Â
âI donât know if there are any other injuries,â John babbled. âHe didnât mention anything, but he was kind of out of it for a lot of the time. I made him stay awakeâdonât know if that was the right thing, but I thought he might lose consciousness if I let him sleep.â
Â
He gazed down on Rodneyâs white face, willing the scientist to be okay. The dark red bruise on Rodneyâs jaw stood out, livid against his icy features and he looked half-dead already.
Â
Carson turned away from Rodney and crashed straight into John. âColonel, youâre in the way and itâs not helping,â Carson told him. âI want the infirmary cleared of all non-medical personnel.â
Â
âIâm not leaving,â John said firmly.
Â
âOh, yes, you are,â Carson replied, equally firmly.
Â
John frowned at him, surprised. Usually Carson was such a pushover, but then again John had never gotten in his way when he was in full ER mode before, and it seemed this Carson was a different kind of beast altogether.
Â
âWill he make it, Doc?â John asked, backing out of Carsonâs way.
Â
âIf youâll let me get on and do my job, then thereâs every chance,â Carson replied, shoving John backwards out of the door. âIâll call you when thereâs some news.â
Â
John stood outside the closed door, wondering what the hell to do with himself. His legs felt like Jell-O and he was suddenly hit by a wave of some kind of emotion and he doubled over, gasping for air. It took him a few minutes to recover, and then he staggered away, needing fresh air. He made his way to the South West pier, which was his favorite, and held onto the railings as he took great gulps of air.
Â
âWhat the hell is happening to me?â he wondered out loud, as he tried to calm himself. Where had these feelings come from and how on earth did he deal with them? Heâd never felt like this before, about anyone, and he would never have expected to feel like this about Rodney, of all people. Was it just because their doppelgangers were here, with their in-your-face relationship? Would these feelings change or become more manageable once they left? Or was he stuck with them now? If so, he didnât see how he could keep on working with Rodney. It would be a particular kind of torture to see the man every day, to want him and worry about him like this, and not be able to have him.
Â
âHey,â a voice said behind him, and he glanced around to see the general. âI thought Iâd find you here. Itâs where I always come,â the general said.
Â
âYeah. My favorite place on Atlantis,â John muttered.
Â
âHowâs Dr. McKay?â
Â
âI donât know. Carson said heâd tell me when he had some news. Heâs lost a lot of blood,â John said, and then he felt it again, that wave of powerful emotion that had almost floored him before, and he leaned over again and vomited his guts out into the water far below. He felt the generalâs hand on his shoulder and was grateful for its solid warmth.
Â
âDammitâŚwhatâs happening to me?â John hissed, when he finally managed to get himself under some kind of control.
Â
âI canât say for sure, but it looks pretty similar to what happened to me once,â the general replied.
Â
John straightened up and looked the other man in the eye. âI canât control it. It keeps hitting me and I canât keep it down, however hard I try. Iâve never felt like this before.â
Â
âI know. Youâre pretty good at keep everything tucked away inside, not even a ripple showing on that calm, laid-back exterior,â the general chuckled. âDonât want anyone to see youâre not the cool, easy-going guy, huh?â
Â
âSomething like that,â John muttered, sliding down to the floor and slumping there, his back against the railings.
Â
The general sat down beside him, those long, leather-clad legs of his stretched out beside Johnâs. âHere,â he said, handing John some gum that heâd fished out of his jacket. âShould help take the taste away.â
Â
John accepted it gratefully and stuffed the gum into his mouth to banish the unpleasant taste of vomit.
Â
âSo, you wanted to watch me in action during the mission. You canât have been too impressed,â John said, with a sigh. Heâd really wanted to impress this man, too, but somehow it had all gone so very wrong.
Â
âBy and large I thought you did a good job,â the general said carefully. âEven the best planned missions can go wrong and you canât prepare for every eventuality. But you have a good head on your shoulders, you fight like a warrior and you looked out for your teamâwith one notable exception.â
Â
âOh, shit.â John hung his head and gazed down at his knees, remembering the look of hurt in Rodneyâs eyes when heâd told him about his orders to Ronon. âI didnât mean to leave Rodney exposed. I had no idea it would pan out that way,â he muttered.
Â
âThen you have to tell him that,â the general said. âWhen heâs well enough to hear it. Heâs not a soldier, John, not like you, or Teyla, or Ronon. He deserved your protection.â
Â
âI know,â John nodded.
Â
âAnd heâll be blaming himself for the mission turning into such a huge fuck-up,â the general added. John turned to gaze at him and found himself meeting two serious hazel eyes that looked disconcertingly like his own.
Â
âThat doesnât sound like Rodney,â John said with a shrug. âWeâre talking about Mr. Arrogance here, after all.â
Â
âI know.â The general gave a wry grin and shook his head. âTook me a while to figure it out, as well, but however arrogant he is, and however petty he can be, he always tends to take his fair share of any blame going around. More than his fair share, sometimes.â
Â
John thought about that for a moment and then nodded. Now that he really thought about it, Rodney had never been slow in accepting when heâd screwed up and offering an apology.
Â
âDo you mind me asking you somethingâŚhow did you get to be a general so young?â John asked, because this was something that had really been bugging him.
Â
âIsnât the question not how I got to be a general, but how come youâre so confused about your own ambitions?â the other man replied, with a raised eyebrow. âYou tell me, John. Why are you so ambivalent about your career?â
Â
âI haveâŚchain of command issues,â John said, making a face.
Â
âWhich is another way of saying you donât like taking orders. Well, hell, neither do I,â the general grinned. âShall I tell you what I see?â he asked softly.
Â
John tensed, unsure whether he wanted to hear this, but he didnât want to lose whatever respect the other man might have for him by refusing to listen to his opinion, so he nodded.
Â
âOkay, the way I see it is like this: youâre good. Youâre quick, you care about your people, and you have an excellent military brain,â the general said.
Â
John nodded, waiting for the âbutâ.
Â
âYouâre also lazy,â the general added.
Â
John nodded again, and sighed. âYeah. I know,â he said.
Â
âI noticed your personnel records and equipment inventories arenât as up to date as they should be,â the general said.
Â
âYeah. I hate doing those things,â John shrugged.
Â
âBut thereâs something else. Itâs not so much that youâre lazy as why youâre lazy. You see, I think that you donât want anyone to see just how much you care about this stuff. About all of itâabout your job, about the people hereâŚabout yourself, even. Itâs as if you stop yourself so they never get to see the real youâthis one,â the general patted Johnâs chest. âThe one that just threw up over the side of the railings. Youâll never step up to the next level until you can control your emotions, John, and in order to control them, first you have to feel them.â
Â
âI feel plenty,â John replied, feeling pretty stung right now.
Â
âOwn them, then,â the general said, laying it down between them like it was a challenge. âI look at you and see someone whoâs been avoiding taking responsibility for how he feels for a very long time. I donât know why, but I can see how in your society it might be easier that way. You have all these stupid rules to try and make sure that everyone knows what to do and how to behave towards each other, but if you could just be who you are, who you truly are, and inhabit that space inside you, then you wouldnât need any of that crap. You have a great gut instinct, JohnâI saw that back in that underground chamberâbut itâs almost like you fear that part of yourself. You hold back. I felt it and your team must feel it, and until you commit to being who you are and going after what you want, then youâll never make general.â
Â
âAre you talking about Rodney here?â John asked suspiciously.
Â
âAmong other things, but not just about him,â the general said. âHeâs part of it, though. If you want him, then you have to go after him. Thatâs what I did.â He sat back and put his hands behind his head with a wry smile. âHe was in all kinds of shit when I first met him. He was unhappy and, boy, did we all have to suffer because of that!â He grinned. âHe was getting into trouble and being disciplined the whole time as wellâwhich wasnât nice for himâand I was finding myself more and more drawn to him. Once I figured that out, it was relatively easy. I stepped in and he pushed me away. We did that a few times before I had to get tough with him and then finally he figured out I was serious about him and not just playing and he let me in. Heâd had a shitty life in many ways up until I met him. Nobody had ever loved him before so itâs hardly surprising how mistrustful he was of me at first. Once he realized I did love him, and once he actually learned to trust me, he calmed down and stopped getting into trouble. It wasnât all easy or plain sailing, and it wasnât just him who found it hard. At first, I felt pretty much like you do now: my emotions were so strong, they made me feel out of control, so I had to work on thatâa lot, because it sure as hell wasnât easy. Now I can control it. You saw me controlling it back there when that bastard was holding him hostage.â
Â
âYour Rodney did exactly what you told him,â John said, remembering. âThat impressed me. My Rodney would never have closed his eyes like that and just trusted me in those circumstances.â
Â
âWell, weâve worked on that,â the general replied. âWeâve been through a lot of drills and one of them is the âwhat you do when an ugly savage holds a knife to your throatâ scenario. So, Rodney knew what I expected of him and he did it.â
Â
âI really doubt I could convince my Rodney to work on that kind of thing,â John sighed.
Â
âNot while youâre ambivalent,â the general shot back. âYou hold back on everything, John. Itâs almost as if youâre afraid to admit that anything is that important to you. Not your career, not Rodney, not anything. Maybe youâve got good reasons for thatâI donât know where our life experiences differâbut Iâm just saying, if you want more, if you want to make general, and have Rodney, and be everything you can be, then you have to start admitting you want it and you have to stop being ashamed of what you feel.â
Â
âItâsâŚ. Our universe is more complicated, I think,â John sighed.
Â
The general nodded. âWell, I wonât dispute that,â he grinned.
Â
At that moment, Carsonâs voice sounded on Johnâs radio. âColonel Sheppard? I have some news about Rodney.â
Â
John leapt to his feet. âOn my way,â he replied and then he nodded at the general. âThanks for the pep talk,â he said.
Â
âYouâre welcomeâand remember to explain about the mission to Rodney,â he added.
Â
John frowned. That wasnât exactly going to be easy and he preferred to avoid those sorts of conversations. Even after Duranda, heâd gone out of his way to avoid Rodney and only the scientistâs dogged persistence in tracking him down had forced him to have the conversation John really hadnât wanted to have. He supposed this was what the general meant about holding back, and he squared his shoulders and decided that the general was rightâit was time to step up to the plate.
Â
Â
âHeâs got a concussion so Iâll need to keep him in here for 24 hours, but Iâve sutured the wound and weâve replaced a lot of the blood he lost, so heâs in much better shape now,â Carson told John when he got to the infirmary. He gazed at John searchingly, perhaps surprised by his behavior earlier. âYou did a good thing keeping him awake, John,â he added softly. âThat was the right thing to do in the circumstances.â
Â
âHell, he did that himself,â John said with a shrug, remembering the obstinate look in Rodneyâs blue eyes when heâd been lying shivering in his arms. âI just kept reminding him, thatâs all. Heâs the one who held on in there.â
Â
âWell, you can see him now. Not for long, just for a couple of minutes.â
Â
John nodded and walked over to the bed. âHey, Rodney,â he said. The scientist still looked pale, but his eyes were brighter now and he was at least talking again. His arm was strapped across his chest and there was a clean bandage over his forehead.
Â
âColonel,â Rodney said stiffly, nodding at him.
Â
John sighed, remembering Rodneyâs sleepy warmth as heâd nestled against him in the puddle jumper and longing to have that intimacy back. He wondered if Rodney was embarrassed about how heâd held him, but he wasnât entirely sure how much the scientist remembered so he didnât bring it up.
Â
âHow are you feeling?â he asked.
Â
âFine. I have a concussion. And you were rightâCarson is just one shade above Ronon on the whole âstrapping up a badly wrenched armâ thing,â Rodney sniffed.
Â
John grinned. âNo anesthetic, then?â
Â
âNo. This place is like being in the dark ages,â Rodney complained loudly as Carson walked by.
Â
âStill moaning about your arm, Rodney?â Carson asked, a grin tugging at the corners of his mouth.
Â
âAh, yes, Doctor Death here seems to think itâs amusing to manhandle seriously injured people and cause them unnecessary pain and suffering,â Rodney snapped.
Â
John smiled and placed a hand on Rodneyâs arm. âYouâre sounding much better, anyway,â he said.
Â
âYes, well, no thanks to you,â Rodney said, glancing at John and then glancing away again and John saw that same flash of hurt in his eyes that heâd seen earlier.
Â
âYouâre right. Iâd like to apologize about that,â he said firmly.
Â
âReally?â Rodney glanced back at him distrustfully.
Â
âYes. I made a serious error in judgment when I told Ronon to stick close to the other Rodney. I didnât mean to leave you exposedâthatâs the last thing I intended, trust me.â John hoped that his tone conveyed his absolute sincerity and he guessed that it did because the hurt faded from Rodneyâs blue eyes to be replaced by something that looked very much likeâŚ
Â
surprise. âI know youâre not military and you need our protection. I think itâs just that you always handle yourself so well on missions that I forgot that,â John said.
Â
Rodney preened like a cat that had gotten the cream at that. âWell, thank you, Colonel,â he said, that jaw of his jutting forward in a familiar way that made John want to grab it and kiss it. âI do think Iâve mastered the basics very well, even if I do say so myself. Of course itâs hardly rocket science, although, frankly, Iâve always found that pretty easy, but even soâŚ.â
Â
âEven so, there are still plenty of things that need working on,â John interjected smoothly. âSo I think that, when youâre better, youâd benefit from some training sessions with me.â
Â
âWhat?â Rodney blinked. This clearly hadnât been where he thought this conversation was going.
Â
âThatâs right. The generalâs got Dr. Sheppard trained in some pretty interesting techniques, soâŚâ
Â
âI bet he has,â Rodney snorted.
Â
âMilitary techniques,â John stressed. âAnd he picked them up pretty well, so if he can do it, I see no reason why you canât.â
Â
âOh, God. There was a trap there somewhere and I walked right into it,â Rodney groaned. âIt must be because I nearly died. My brainâs still weak from lack of blood.â
Â
âYouâre doing fine,â John grinned, patting his hand. âCarson, when will Rodney be well enough to have his first drill session with me?â
Â
Carson came to stand at the end of the bed and regarded Rodney for a moment.
Â
âItâll probably be monthsâa serious head injury like this,â Rodney said, glaring at Carson meaningfully.
Â
âOch, no, lad,â Carson beamed. âYouâll only be in here for a couple of days and back to light duties by the end of the week. Give it ten days, Colonel, and heâs all yours,â Carson said cheerfully. âAnd if I might say so, itâs an excellent idea, Colonel. Rodney could do with some regular work outs. He has a very high heart rate and exercise would de-stress him significantly, I think.â
Â
âTraitor,â Rodney hissed, but Carson just smiled cheerily at him and disappeared.
Â
John turned back. âTen days, then,â he said to Rodney. âIâll book out the practice room for our sessions. We can start with an hour a day and maybe work up from there.â
Â
âAn hour?â Rodney looked outraged. âI canât spare an hour every day. Iâm a very busy man, Colonel. The science department doesnât run itself, you know!â
Â
âYou can get up an hour earlier, then,â John told him pleasantly. âWe can do it before you start your busy working day.â
Â
âButâŚ.â Rodney clearly couldnât think of a reply to that and he slumped back down on his pillow. âOh, just get out,â he snapped at John.
Â
John gave him another wide grin and then he leaned in close. âI really am glad youâre still with us, Rodney,â he whispered, with complete sincerity, directly into Rodneyâs ear, before turning on his heel and leaving the infirmary. When he glanced back, he noticed that Rodney had just the faintest glimmer of a crooked little smile on his lips.
Â
End of Part Five
Â
Chapters
Index page
1. Making History
2. Culture Clash
3. Awakenings
4. Sacrifice
5. The Long Night
6. Out of Control
7. Submission
8. Sensory Deprivation
9. Double Trouble
10. First Date?
11. Three Rodneys
12. Sharing a Plate
13. Universal Constant
Chapters
Index page
1. Making History
2. Culture Clash
3. Awakenings
4. Sacrifice
5. The Long Night
6. Out of Control
7. Submission
8. Sensory Deprivation
9. Double Trouble
10. First Date?
11. Three Rodneys
12. Sharing a Plate
13. Universal Constant
Recent Comments