Re: Writing an Episode of The X Files


Memo to: Chris Carter.

From: David Duchovny.

RE: Writing an episode of the X Files.

Yo, Chris! After some of the crap I’ve had to act in recently, I’ve been thinking that perhaps I should write an episode myself, to show the other guys how it should be done. So, I’ve had a few thoughts and this is an outline of the episode I’d like to write:


Game of Gods.


Mulder decides to share his body with a lonely alien whose own body has been destroyed in a spaceship crash. The alien gives Mulder the power to leap great heights. He leaves the FBI and becomes a top basketball star, winning game after game for his team and becoming adored by the whole world. Meanwhile, the alien introduces Mulder to his 12 wives, all of whom are blonde, with 3 enormous breasts each. Mulder is forced to have sex with them for the sake of his alien buddy (it’s the least he can do). Meanwhile, Krycek threatens to expose Mulder’s secret to the world, and Mulder has to beat him up a few times. (Nick Lea isn’t prettier than I am is he? You’re not really going to give him his own show, are you?)

So – whaddya think? Let me know. I won’t be offended if you turn the whole idea down, although I am the star of the show and I think you’ll be hard pushed to replace me at short notice.


PS. I think maybe Scully should be in the hospital for this one. Probably a cancer scare or being shot by another FBI agent. Possibly she could be abducted again. Or is that one getting a bit old and tired?



MEMO TO: David Duchovny.

FROM: The Creator. (I’d be grateful if everyone remembered to use my official title in future memos).

RE: Writing an episode of the X Files.

Hi Dave,

Well, what a great idea!!! I can’t tell you how enthusiastic the team is about producing this one! There are just a few minor points to iron out (the make up department aren’t sure they can manage the three breasts. Playing around with wax and creating wriggly wormy things under the skin are more their forte), but I’m sure we can all come to an agreement on it. Tell you what, as you’re so busy, why don’t we get John to actually write the episode and you can have the credit? Nobody need know.




MEMO TO: Chris Carter.

FROM: Gillian Anderson.

RE: Writing an episode of the X Files.

Chris. It’s come to my notice that you’ve contracted David to write an episode of the X Files. I would like to point out that under the terms of our mutual contracts, it was agreed that I would have the same pay, rights, and use of the big chair in Skinner’s office (when not actually filming obviously) as David. I therefore would also like to write an episode. Here’s an outline of my proposed ep: (By the way, I got this idea after watching Star Trek – The Original Series, but I’m sure nobody will notice.)


The Wolf Within


Scully is subjected to a weird radiation thingy that separates her into two people – one good, the other evil. The evil Scully lures Mulder to an abandoned warehouse, handcuffs him, and spends the next 45 minutes punching him. (Note: I know David is keen to explore his method acting range, so I suggest that we film the punching scenes for real, so that he can get into the character’s head and truly experience Mulder’s pain.)

Meanwhile, Good Scully is searching for Bad Scully (and Mulder. Maybe.) to reunite the Scullys in one body. She is helped in this by a nice scientist who she has sex with. Several times. (Suggested actors to play this part: Brad Pitt, George Clooney).

Sound good? I expect to be paid the same as David for this idea, and to have my name on the credits in exactly the same height/style of lettering.




MEMO TO: Gillian Anderson.

FROM: The Creator. (I wish people would remember that this is my job title).

RE: Writing an episode of the X Files.

Hi there, Gillian!

What fantastic ideas! Unfortunately I’ve contacted the Star Trek people and they say we’d be in breach of copyright if we made this one. What a shame. I can’t tell you how disappointed I was to find this out. However, after our recent move from Vancouver, you know how willing I am to accommodate David’s ambitions, and it would be unfortunate if he didn’t get a chance to work on his method acting so maybe we can work that “punching” scene into another episode.




FROM: Mitch Pileggi

RE: Writing an episode of the X Files.

Hi CC!

Looks like writing fever is sweeping through the cast. Now, I’m no writer, but I’ve had an idea or two that I’d like to run by y’all:


Terminator Skinner


When a ruthless robot comes back in time to kill Mulder and Scully, Skinner has to protect them. In order to do this they all go on the run.  Skinner wears black leather trousers, sunglasses, a tight white tee shirt and a black leather jacket, (as a disguise obviously) and has to ride around on a Harley and do dangerous stunts.  Anyway, Skinner fights off loads of bad guys who spray him with some kind of laughing gas, making him giggle hysterically (well a lot of casting directors aren’t aware that I can actually laugh onscreen, Chris. It’d be nice to show them the full range of my acting ability).


They rescue Mulder and all ride off into the sunset together on Skinner’s Harley. Skinner is so convinced by this experience that “the truth is out there” that he gives up his job as Assistant Director in order to work full time on the X Files with Mulder and Scully. (No, really, it’s not just a plot device to get me more screen time. I just feel that this is how Skinner would behave).


Oh, and if you could see your way clear to giving me the word “butt” or “ass” to say every other sentence, I’d be grateful. If you could also work in the occasional “I’ll be back” that would be even better. In return I’ll strip off (again) if you want. I’m not bothered about it being gratuitous. No point working out this much if I don’t get a chance to show the goods, and anyway I like the fan mail I get afterwards.

Hasta La Vista, baby!


(PS Have you heard anything about this rumor that they’re making another Terminator film and Arnie’s not sure he’s going to be available? Just curious.)


MEMO TO: Mitch Pileggi

FROM: The Creator. (Please note that in future I will only reply to memos that address me correctly.)

RE: Writing an episode of the X Files.

You’re only a bit-part player, Mitch. There are other big, sexy, bald guys out there who look good in white shirts. By the way, have you seen a copy of the script for SR-819? It’s just a draft. We haven’t made any final decisions about the ending yet…


Suggest you don’t waste my time with any more memos in future.



THE END (or at least I thought it was! See below for Frogdoggie’s continuation.)



Here’s another memo that Frogdoggie added:


Memo to: The Creator.

From: William B. Davis.

RE: Writing an episode of the X Files.


As you can see – yes, I at least do read your memos! I think my meticulous attention to detail merits at least some passing consideration of the episode suggestion I sent you LAST YEAR – you remember – right after the movie wrapped filming?

Let me elucidate for you – just in case you misplaced my script outline.


Musings of a Middle Aged Sex Symbol


My character (commonly referred to as the Cigarette Smoking Man – and I hope you got my other memo regarding giving him a REAL name), realizes, at last, that his attempts to become published are all for naught. He has an epiphany. Instead of writing he decides to move to someplace warm and tropical (sir, really – please! I would appreciate it if there were no more weeks in Antarctica if at all possible – I’m in excellent shape for my age, but that was stretching things a bit to much), where he can work on becoming master of the world and his tan at the same time. He takes up competitive water skiing as a cover for his soon to be successful nefarious plans at world domination. Of course this will necessitate my wearing those skin tight red speedos David so kindly suggested I buy last summer. Oh, and I can take my shirt off a lot too.


Mitch confirmed that I have nothing to be ashamed of there. He did say that water skiing (yes I really do ski so we can save on the expense of a stunt double!), has really helped me to develop my upper body – especially “my pecs.” I asked Gillian for her opinion as well, but she said “no comment”.


In any event, I believe there’s a budding script idea here. It would be both a dynamic episode, and also a cost effective one to produce. Cost effectiveness is important isn’t it? I mean since the move to the MORE expensive production climate of Los Angeles? So, my script only needs a firm guiding hand, which I know you possess, to bring it to full flower. I would appreciate it if you would think about developing it further for airing during Season 6.

Thank you for your time and thoughtful consideration.


William B. Davis


MEMO TO: William B. Davis

FROM: The Creator. (Thank you for remembering to use my correct title)

RE: Writing an episode of the X Files.

Greetings Bill:

Give it up. There’s only one middle-aged sex symbol around here. And he SURFS. How are things in Vancouver?





Krycek’s turn! Courtesy of Louise Wu!

Memo to: Chris Carter.

From: Nicholas Lea.

RE: Writing an episode of the X Files.


I heard a rumor that you’re going to be doing an episode featuring Bill Davis sunning himself on the beach in a skimpy swimsuit. Since I have been on the set so rarely in the past year, I have no way of knowing whether or not there is any validity to this rumor. I would like to point out that the X-Files has already featured Bill’s naked chest, as well as Mitch’s and David’s. (Even Gillian has been able to show off her cleavage and extremely pregnant belly.)  I have not had a similar opportunity to bare any of my assets. Since chests have been done and my character has an unsightly amputation, I’d suggest that you feature my butt. I was thinking of a flashback episode where Skinner spanks young agent Krycek’s ass for some minor infraction–a scene certain to appeal to the most sophisticated fans.


I also have a major proposal for season eight. As David is reluctant to sign up for another year, you could have Krycek kill him at the end of season seven. Afterwards, Krycek’s body is possessed by a lonely alien whose own body has been destroyed in a spaceship crash. The alien tries to redeem Krycek who is now sometimes good and sometimes evil. (When he’s bad he has to beat himself because Mulder is deceased.) The Krycek/alien duo become Scully’s new partner. You can give us a cool bionic arm-how about something in a green titanium to match my eyes?



P.S. I am prettier than David.


MEMO TO: Nicholas Lea.

FROM: The Creator.

RE: Writing an episode of the X Files.


What is it with you and Mitch and the ass thing? While I’m inclined to agree that certain of our fans would appreciate the sight of your bare butt, it would be good for you to keep in mind that you’re paid to kill people not develop episodes. Unfortunately, now that Krycek is handicapped it would be unseemly for our hero to continue to beat on him, so we’re at a loss as to how to use your character. Having Krycek become Scully’s partner after killing Mulder is an unlikely scenario that only the most creative slash writer could have come up with. I suggest you give up on your story ideas and go curl your eyelashes instead.



P.S. I think that Gillian is prettier than you and David combined.





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