Chapter 2: Leo

 

Seven fifty eight…seven fifty nine…

Leo McGarry glanced at his watch, and then at the door. It was Monday morning, and all the senior West Wing staff were gathered in his office for the usual weekly briefing; all except Josh.

Eight O Clock.

Precisely on time, to the second, Josh put his head around the door and then insinuated his entire body into the room as if he hoped nobody would notice he was actually there.

“Come in, Josh, we were waiting for you,” Leo said, gazing at his Deputy Chief of Staff dispassionately, his sharp gaze missing nothing. Josh was usually the first to arrive for their regular Monday briefing – and Leo knew for a fact that Josh had been in the West Wing at 6am this morning so it was hardly a case of him oversleeping.

“I’m not late am I?” Josh had a look very much like a startled rabbit – and his eyes made sweeping contact with every single person in the room except Leo. Leo was not surprised. He had wondered whether Josh would bounce in, bright and early as usual, and pretend that he had not spent Friday evening in a rather unorthodox situation with the President, or whether he’d do exactly this – creep in just on time, and try to avoid Leo’s eye. No, Leo was definitely not surprised that Josh had taken the latter course of action. His Deputy Chief of Staff was excellent at his job, and Leo was pleased to count him as one of his closest friends – but nobody ever pretended that Josh was remotely emotionally literate. Usually he wasn’t even sure of what he was feeling precisely because he was too caught up in his own emotions to understand them. Leo, on the other hand, had made an art form of practiced detachment – and he was an acute observer of those around him.

“You’re exactly on time, Josh,” Leo said, waving his hand to his Deputy. Josh nodded, fixing his gaze absently but determinedly on a spot somewhere over Leo’s right shoulder and took his place standing by the door in the crowded room, still not making eye contact with his boss. Leo gave an inner sigh – he had expected something like this to happen, but he needed Josh’s mind to be 100% on his job right now, and not on what had happened to him on Friday night. Leo knew that this was a situation he’d have to take care of sooner rather than later.

He turned his attention to the meeting, giving his usual quick, incisive briefing. CJ was on good form, playing around with a story that they knew would break later that day, trying to find a positive spin on what was clearly a defeat for this administration whichever way you looked at it. Josh stood with his shoulders hunched miserably throughout – the fact that this story was breaking at all was his fault and he knew it and everyone else in the room knew it, and all CJ’s amusing word plays didn’t change that.

Finally Leo brought the meeting to a close and the staff began to file out. Josh, closest to the door, turned to go with a look of relief, which Leo proceeded to wipe off his face with three terse words.

“Not you, Josh.”

Josh stiffened, swallowed hard, and turned back. CJ smiled at him and glanced at Leo.

“Is Josh being punished for the Crossley story getting out?” She asked. Out of the corner of his eye, Leo saw Josh wince – this was standard CJ talk, standard West Wing talk – CJ couldn’t possibly have had any idea how her choice of words would have impacted upon his hapless Deputy.

“No, Josh isn’t being punished. Josh was punished for that last week,” Leo told her with just a hint of a gleam in his eyes. This time Josh’s wince was pronounced and his face was painted a shade of deep red. “And as far as I’m concerned that’s an end to the matter,” Leo added. “We’re into damage limitation now.”

“Okay,” CJ said brightly, giving Josh another smile as she passed him on her way out – a smile that didn’t even register on his radar as he stood, glumly, gazing into space.

Leo waited. He didn’t say a word even when the door closed leaving the two of them alone together. Josh shifted uncomfortably and his gaze moved erratically from a spot over Leo’s right shoulder to a spot over his left shoulder. Leo tapped his finger on the desk, still waiting. Josh bit on his lip, and then, finally, reluctantly, his eyes slid downwards to meet Leo’s. That was Leo’s cue, and, having finally gained Josh’s full attention, he started to speak.

“So, I’ve been speaking to the President about what happened on Friday night,” Leo plunged straight in there, wanting to study Josh’s reaction – which, as it turned out, was quite dramatic. Josh took a sharp intake of breath, his dark eyes almost agonised. “What’s the matter, Josh? Did you think I was just going to ignore what happened?” Leo said, still gazing at him intently, pinning the younger man where he stood with the full force of his steely stare.

“No. Sorry…it’s just taking me some time to get used to this,” Josh said, his voice barely more than a whisper. He sat down on the chair in front of the desk with a heartfelt sigh.

“If you’ve changed your mind…” Leo began.

“I haven’t!” Josh said, too quickly.

“Okay then.” Leo nodded. “I told the President that I would talk to you and I intend to do just that.”

“Here?” Josh looked shocked.

“No, of course not.” Leo gave an impatient wave of his hand. “You’ll be having lunch with me at my hotel today.”

“I will?” Josh looked surprised. “Uh, sorry – it’s just that I already have a lunch appointment.”

“Then you’ll cancel it.” Leo shrugged. “I’ll see you at the hotel at one o clock.”

“Okay,” Josh said, getting up and hotfooting it eagerly to the door, clearly glad that the meeting was over.

“Not so fast, Josh. Come back here,” Leo said. Josh turned, and gave a weak smile. He returned and stood in front of the desk, looking for all the world like a naughty schoolboy which, Leo supposed must be pretty much how he was feeling. “Josh, you do an important job and you do it well. I need to know that you’re going to continue to do it well and that you’re able to keep your mind on your work,” Leo said gently but firmly. Josh relaxed and ran his hand through his hair, which was already starting to take on the appearance of a crazy professor.

“You can rely on me, Leo. You know that,” he said, a hint of the old Josh finally starting to shine through.

“I’m glad to hear it. Perhaps when this lunchtime meeting is out of the way you’ll feel that matters have been resolved more in your own mind,” Leo said, still studying the young man thoughtfully. Josh seemed aware of the scrutiny. He straightened up, trying to look purposeful and together, and nodded. “Yes, everything’s changed,” Leo said softly. “But at the same time, everything is still exactly the same. Do you understand that, Josh?”

Josh took a long, deep breath and then exhaled slowly. “I think so, Leo. It’s just taking some time getting used to it.”

Leo sat back in his chair and studied Josh intently. He tried to imagine this young man as Jed had seen him on Friday evening. The President had told him all about his session with Josh – in some detail, as Leo had requested a full briefing. It had been Leo’s suggestion that Jed approach Josh on Friday; Leo had an instinct for people, and his instinct had told him that Josh would welcome Jed’s help. At it turned out, he hadn’t been wrong.

At that moment there was a knock on the door and the President breezed into the room without waiting for a reply – something that Leo really hated, and which, moreover, Jed knew Leo hated – which was the source of many a bickering contest between the two of them, a contest that Leo always won – every Friday evening in fact.

“Good morning, Leo! Good morning, Josh!” The President said brightly, clearly in one of his better moods. “Leo, I need to see you – we’ve got that Ambassador coming and I want to go through the briefing notes with you as I can’t make head nor tail of them. Josh are you in on this meeting with the Ambassador or not?”

Josh jumped like a startled fawn. “Uh, no, sir,” he said.

“Okay.” The President turned back to Leo. “Is anyone in on this meeting except me?” He asked.

“I could arrange for Charlie to sit in on it if you feel you want some moral support,” Leo said. The President made a face at him and then turned to Josh with an expansive wave of his hand.

“Ambassador Farley was an appointment of the previous administration, Josh,” he said. “I think it’s fair to say that he stands for everything I do not and that even two minutes spent in the same room as him is two minutes too long.”

“You’ll do fine, sir,” Leo said. “Josh – you can go. I’ll see you later.”

“Yes, by all means go, Josh,” the President declared. “Everyone else seems to have deserted me in my hour of need.”

Josh gazed at both men for a split second, a look of utter incredulity on his face, and then fled, closing the door behind him.

“Was it something I said?” Jed asked, coming to perch on Leo’s desk – another habit Leo hated, as his old friend knew only too well.

“I think you just scared him, sir,” Leo pointed out.

“I scared him? His face was as white as a sheet when I walked through the door. You scared him, Leo. I was just putting him at his ease.”

“You’re in a fine mood today, sir,” Leo commented, not intending to get drawn on that topic.

Jed studied him for a moment, and then his entire persona changed, his mood shifting diametrically in the space of a few seconds in a way that Leo had come to be very familiar with.

“Did you speak to him yet, Leo?” Jed asked, his voice soft and full of concern.

“Not yet, sir, but then it is only 8am and I did only arrive back in Washington at 5.30 this morning,” Leo pointed out. “I have however invited him to lunch.”

“Invited or ordered?” Jed chuckled.

“It’s fair to say that I didn’t give him many options,” Leo replied with a slight smile, and an inclination of his head.

“Damn – I hope you can stop him looking so scared. He was fine on Friday.”

“He’s had two days to think about things since then, sir,” Leo pointed out.

“I guess. I really want this to work, Leo,” Jed sighed. Leo studied his old friend for several seconds, and then nodded.

“I know, sir. I’ll talk to him. If it’s right then it’ll happen.”

“And if it isn’t it won’t?”

“That’s right.” Leo shrugged. “Have you spoken to Abbey?” He said, changing the subject. He knew Jed’s heart was in the right place, but, as always, his enthusiasm could sometimes hamper more objective considerations. Leo knew he needed to have a very long talk with Josh before he could decide how best to proceed.

“Yeah.” Jed smiled. “I called her last night in Oregon or Tucson or wherever it is she is right now.”

“And?” Leo waited patiently.

“And what?”

Knowing Jed was being deliberately obtuse, Leo continued waiting, one eyebrow raised ever so slightly. Finally his recalcitrant friend gave in.

“And I mentioned Josh and…what happened on Friday.” Jed shrugged.

“And?” Leo prompted again.

“And she was fine about it!” Jed said in an exasperated tone. “In fact she didn’t seem remotely surprised when I broached the subject. I wonder why that is, Leo?” It was Jed’s turn to raise an eyebrow now.

“She’s a very perceptive woman, sir,” Leo commented neutrally.

“Yeah.” Jed gave him a knowing look. “Just how long had you been planning this, Leo – and when did you talk to Abbey about it?”

Leo gave a little grunt, and smiled. “Planning is probably too strong a word, sir. I just thought it might be something that would work out the way it did and I thought I ought to run it by Abbey first to see if she was okay with it. If she hadn’t been, then I wouldn’t have suggested it to you.”

“Are you telling me that you’ve been seeing Abbey behind my back, Leo?” Jed demanded.

“We have lunch together once a week, sir,” Leo informed him. “Schedules permitting of course. She’s a very busy lady and occasionally my diary can get a little full too,” he said with masterly understatement.

“You have lunch together?” Jed got up and threw his hands in the air. “Since when?”

“You knew about this, sir. She tells you, and I’ve certainly told you. Several times.”

Jed paced around the room while Leo sat back in his chair watching him calmly. This was not a serious Jed explosion. This was just his old friend letting off some of the steam he built up in his job by releasing it safely, over trivia, and with his best friend who he trusted with his life. Leo could take it – and it was better to blow up a storm with Leo than to lose his cool in a meeting with the UN security council or the joint chiefs of staff, or any of the other people he had to meet during the course of his working life. Leo knew that and he thought Jed probably knew that too. Leo also knew that Jed wasn’t remotely upset by the fact he had lunch with Abbey once a week, although he suspected that Jed was uncomfortable with the idea that the main topic of conversation during those chats was undoubtedly himself. No, all this current drama was about getting Leo to tell him what he talked about with Abbey and Leo had no intention of doing that as Jed well knew – it was a cat and mouse game between them which they both enjoyed, even if, on this occasion at least, Jed knew he wasn’t going to win. Jed stopped pacing and glanced at Leo, who was still sitting, patiently, in his chair, completely unmoved by his President’s sense of melodrama.

“Once a week?” Jed asked.

“Yes, sir.” Leo nodded.

“And what do you talk about during these lunches, Leo?” Jed demanded. Leo smiled – this was at the crux of the matter.

“Things.” He shrugged.

“Me?” Jed pressed.

“Sometimes.” Leo inclined his head. “And other things.”

“Once a week?” He asked again.

“Yes, sir.”

“Alone?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Leo, are you having an affair with my wife?” Jed asked, the twinkle in his eye showing that he did not think for a second that that was the case.

“No, sir,” Leo replied. “I’m having lunch with your wife. I’m having an affair with you.”

That stopped Jed in his tracks. He thrust his hands into his pockets, and made a strangely endearing little face, his eyes soft and full of affection, his mouth pursed into a half smile. Leo knew all of his lover’s little gestures and expressions and this one never failed to melt him. He didn’t need Jed to say he loved him. Didn’t need him to give up his wife, or his job, or to openly declare that they were lovers. Didn’t need that or want it. He had everything he wanted right here, could see it in Jed’s eyes every day of their working life, and on Friday nights he got to feel and taste and revel in that love and that, for Leo, was enough. He had never been a greedy man; he was content to share Jed with his job, his country, his wife and his family. Leo was happy enough to be on the short list of those people who the President loved – and to know that a small corner of his lover’s heart belonged to him and him alone.

“Yeah,” Jed said, softly. “Yeah,” he said again. Then: “I missed you on Friday night, Leo. I missed us. Josh…” He hesitated, and shrugged.

“I know,” Leo said. “I do know. I understand perfectly, sir.” And he did, because he understood every single thing that went on in his old friend’s mercurial but steadfast heart. Jed didn’t pick people up and drop them again – but it took a hell of a long time for anyone to penetrate that protective field around his heart. He didn’t want to let anyone in there who would hurt him, the way he had been hurt as a child by a father who had been envious of his abilities and treated him with cruelty. Leo had often wished he could spend just five minutes with Jed’s father – he was not a violent man nor given to outbursts of explosive temper, but he sure as hell had a few words that he wanted to say, and which, if he only had the opportunity, he’d deliver in the coldest, most cutting way he could. So, Leo did indeed understand. He understood that he alone wasn’t enough for Jed, any more than Abbey was. He understood all the different parts of Jed’s complex psyche, and also knew that of all the other staff in the West Wing, it was Josh who had, slowly, over a period of some time, somehow penetrated Jed’s well fortified defences. Josh with his bright, inquisitive, questioning mind and that occasionally lost look in his eyes. Josh who had taken a bullet because of his job, and nearly died because of it; Josh who had struggled to cope with the aftermath of that bullet but kept that struggle to himself for fear both of what he might find out about himself and also for fear of losing his job – and with that, his access to Jed Bartlet, a man he clearly adored. Josh who was phenomenally smart but who still compared himself unfavourably with his colleagues and their abilities. Josh who liked nothing more than to be in the same room with Jed Bartlet, listening, learning, debating… Leo understood Josh Lyman almost as well as he understood Jed Bartlet. He wasn’t jealous of Josh any more than he was jealous of Abbey, or jealous of the White House itself for taking up so much of his lover’s time and energy. Leo’s love was inclusive – and if the addition of Josh to their Friday night arrangement helped Jed do the effective job he did, gave his lover pleasure, and was something that Josh wanted as badly as Jed did, then Leo would do his best to make it happen.

A knock on the door broke the mood between the two men and Jed glanced away, his expression changing back to an entirely presidential one in a split second. Leo did not have Jed’s facility for compartmentalising his emotions – so he had learned to control his own feelings and give away very little with his facial expressions.

“Come in,” he said, giving the President one last look and the faintest trace of a smile. Charlie put his head around the door.

“Ambassador Farley is here, sir,” he said, addressing himself to the President.

“Okay.” Jed smiled brightly, and began walking to the door. “Once more into the breach, dear friends…” he quoted dramatically as he went.

“You love your meetings with Ambassador Farley, sir,” Leo said softly. “He might stand for everything you do not, but you find his company exhilarating and you admire his mind and his conviction. You don’t need any briefing notes for this meeting and you’ll ignore them anyway. Farley keeps you on your toes; he keeps you sharp and makes you examine your own convictions. You don’t want anyone else in your meetings with him because you want his company to yourself and because nobody else would get a word in edgeways anyway. “

Jed turned a little on his way through the door, a slight smile playing on his mobile lips.

“Yeah,” was all he said as he left the room.

~*~

Josh was late. Leo glanced at the clock in his hotel room. Josh was definitely late. Leo frowned – this wasn’t like Josh, no matter how much he might be dreading this particular meeting.

A thought occurred to Leo and he reached for the hotel room phone and dialled Josh’s cell phone number.

“Lyman,” Josh answered promptly.

“Josh, you wouldn’t happen to be waiting in the hotel restaurant would you?” Leo asked in a dangerous tone.

“Uh, yes, Leo…I thought you said…” Josh began, his voice confused.

“I’m in my room, Josh,” Leo interrupted. “Get your ass up here,” he said, his mood fraying. Josh might well be dreading this meeting but Leo was feeling the strain himself – for entirely different reasons. Taking on the role of Jed Bartlet’s top was a responsibility that had come to permeate his entire life, and now there was an added complication, a new person to worry about – and Leo did worry. He was very sure of himself and his abilities, but he was equally very concerned that the people he cared about got the best of him and that he made their lives better, not worse. Josh was a new responsibility – and he cared about the young man far too much to screw up in this meeting. Just as Jed needed him to be a certain way, to fulfil a certain role in his life, so did Josh – and he intended to do just that. He would consider doing no less for someone who was not only the son of an old friend, but was also someone beloved of the President and someone who, he had to admit, he had a healthy affection for himself.

There was a knock on the door a few seconds later. Leo answered it to find Josh standing there, his hair sticking on end and that familiar bemused look in his eyes.

“I’m sorry. I was…” Josh made a vague gesture in the direction of the elevator.

“Honestly, Josh, did you really think I’d invite you to sit and talk about Friday night in the public restaurant of a busy hotel?” Leo snapped. Josh looked ridiculously sheepish and Leo sighed. “Sit down, Josh. I already ordered for you.” He gestured to the meal that was waiting for them at the table. “I figured you wouldn’t taste it anyway, so it wouldn’t matter if I went ahead and ordered,” he commented as Josh took his seat. Josh looked up, startled, and then realised that Leo had made a joke. He gave a grin, and the tension in the room dissipated a little.

“I’m sorry, Leo. I’m so freaked out by this,” Josh admitted. “I’m just not thinking straight. The restaurant thing was stupid.”

“And yet you’re sure you want to be a part of it?” Leo asked, taking his own seat, his gaze fixed firmly on Josh’s face.

“Yes.” It was just one word but there was no doubting the depth of feeling in it. Josh’s eyes were dark and his gaze absolutely unflinching under Leo’s scrutiny. Leo put a forkful of food in his mouth, chewed on it thoughtfully, his eyes never leaving Josh’s face, then dabbed his napkin over his lips, leaned back, and asked the $64,000 question.

“Why?”

Josh looked startled and he flushed again – Leo couldn’t remember ever having noticed Josh blush before but now it seemed as if his deputy had spent the entire day with a rosy glow on his face.

“Why?” Josh repeated blankly.

“Yes. Why?” Leo sat there calmly, just watching. Josh bit on his lip.

“I told the President…Friday night was…” he took a deep breath. “He kissed me, Leo.”

“Ah.” Leo nodded sagely. “And you liked that?”

“Yes. Don’t you?” Josh shot back, a challenge in his voice.

Leo’s gaze became dark and dangerous and he turned on Josh, slapping him down like an angry lion lashing out at a mischievous cub that’s gone too far. “You may think you know a good deal about me, Josh, and you may think you know a good deal about the President but you don’t,” he growled. “There are some things you don’t know anything about; and one of the things you clearly don’t know is that you don’t ask me that kind of question. I can ask you, but you can’t ask me. Is that understood, Josh?”

Josh was looking increasingly out of his depth. “I…no,” he said, the rebellion in his tone coming out as nothing more than petulance. “Why don’t I get to ask you?”

“Because we aren’t in the office,” Leo warned, continuing with his theme. “This isn’t an extension of our jobs. This is separate, and different. You will have different needs on a Friday night than you have on a Monday morning or a Tuesday afternoon or whenever in the office. There are lines drawn on a Friday night, Josh, and you don’t cross them. If you aren’t happy with that, then we don’t need to go any further. We can end this right now.” He put his napkin down and got to his feet.

“No,” Josh said quickly. “I’m sorry. I guess I hadn’t really understood…”

“No…clearly not,” Leo said, still standing. He turned his back on his deputy, walked over to the other side of the room, and poured himself a glass of water from the huge decanter on the sideboard. He drank the entire glass, aware that his hand was shaking slightly. He needed to compose himself, needed some time to think about what to do next –needed to be sure that he got this right. Only when he was in complete control of himself did he turn back to Josh.

“Tell me what happened on Friday night, Josh,” he requested.

Josh took a deep breath and nodded. “The President…he found me in the gym. He knew I was upset about the way the week had gone. He seemed to understand what I was feeling. He…” Josh hesitated, the flush on his cheeks becoming more pronounced. “You know what he did, Leo. He must have told you,” he whispered.

“Yes he told me but now I want to hear it from you,” Leo said implacably.

Josh took another deep breath and then, reluctantly, continued. “He asked me if I was punishing myself and I said I was. He asked if he could take care of that for me…it took me awhile to figure out what he meant, Leo, but when I did…” Josh gave a ghost of a smile. “I admitted to him that it was something I’d fantasised about, Leo and he made everything seem so okay. You know what I mean? He just made everything I was feeling seem okay. I knew I could trust him to take care of it, to make me feel better, and he did.”

“How?” Leo didn’t move. He had no intention of making this easy on Josh – if the younger man was going to join them on Friday nights then he needed to thoroughly understand his motivation and needs.

“He…” Josh swallowed hard but, to his credit, kept going. “He took off his belt and tie and said he was going to whip me. Then he fastened my hands over my head with his tie…but he didn’t use the belt at first. I was surprised – I wanted him to, but he wouldn’t. He said something about his father – about how his father had been a cruel man and he wasn’t? Some of that is hazy but I think that’s what he said. Then he spanked me with his hand, and after that with his belt, and when he was done, he took me up to the Residence and just held me – I think that was the part I liked best apart from when he kissed me, but I think I needed the whipping part in order to be able to get to the being held part. Does that make any sense at all?”

“Yes, it makes sense, Josh,” Leo said, nodding, thinking privately how much Jed Bartlet had learned at his own hands – not that he would have expected his old friend to give Josh anything less than what he needed. “And this was a good experience for you? Why?”

“Because I felt a part of him…because I could give up responsibility for my lousy week to him…because he was so kind to me.” Josh took a deep breath.

“And because it hurt?” Leo asked. Josh hesitated.

“You think I enjoy pain, Leo?” He asked back. Leo’s gaze didn’t falter.

“I think you might. Do you?”

“I…” Josh bit on his lip and then gazed at the floor. “I don’t know. Maybe,” he admitted. “I was glad I’d taken it. “

Leo studied him for a long time, wondering whether to push him on that, but in the end decided that Josh didn’t know the answer himself and pushing him would just cause him more confusion.

“So you liked the closeness, you liked the absolution – and you liked giving up control of yourself to someone else, someone you trusted?” Leo summarised. Josh nodded. “And do you trust me, Josh, or only the President?” Leo asked.

“I trust you too, Leo,” Josh replied promptly, without hesitation, but, to Leo’s mind at least, too glibly and easily. “The President asked me who I’d fantasised about doing this to me, and I told him I’d fantasised about him – and you. To be honest…” He flushed again and ducked his head slightly, then looked up. “To be honest I’d fantasised about you more than him – maybe because I work with you so much more, but also because I think I had a slight blockage about…well, he is the President.” Josh made a face. “But I figured my fantasises were my own – they weren’t anybody else’s business and nobody had to know. I had no idea something like this would happen. I’m still in a state of shock about the fact that it happened at all – and that you and he…that he lets you on a Friday evening…” Josh trailed off. “He said you were lovers,” he added finally, maybe deciding that was safer ground.

“We are.” Leo nodded, but he remained concerned about Josh’s inability to articulate the most basic aspects of his Friday night arrangement with the President. Josh was one of the most articulate men he knew after all. Leo decided to demonstrate the level of honesty and communication that he expected from his Deputy – maybe it would encourage Josh to really talk about his own experiences, honestly, and without any of this lowering of his head, flushing of his cheeks and trailing off in a haze of inarticulacy, endearing though those things were. “We’re a great many things to each other, Josh. We’re lovers, we’re best friends, we’re President and Chief of Staff, we’re boss and subordinate, and we’re top and sub. You do understand those last terms don’t you?”

Josh swallowed again. “Yes, sir. He told me he subbed to you. I’d be happy to do the same. I’d like to sub to both of you, Leo, if you’ll let me.”

Leo exhaled a deep breath. “Well I don’t know, Josh,” he said, holding the empty glass lightly between his fingers. “Why would you want to be part of such an…unorthodox arrangement?” he said with a slight smile. “Why not go out there, and find yourself a partner who’ll do these things for you, without it being the complication of people you work with?” Leo said.

“I don’t want it from anyone else,” Josh replied. “It wouldn’t be the same.”

“Or are you too scared of what it means?” Leo said.

“What do you mean?” Josh frowned.

“You’re holding out on me, Josh. You aren’t being completely honest with yourself or me.”

“I am!” Josh protested.

Leo put the glass down and walked slowly back over to the table where Josh sat, his meal virtually untouched, as Leo had predicted. Leo stood behind him, close enough to invade Josh’s body space but without touching him. Josh sat very still, and when, finally he could bear the silence no more, he looked up.

“Leo?” He whispered.

“Have you ever had anal sex, Josh?” Leo asked him softly. “Have you ever gone down on your knees and sucked another man’s cock? Have you ever knelt and allowed yourself to be penetrated?”

Now Josh was beyond flushing – all the colour drained away from his face instead. He was unable to meet Leo’s hard gaze and looked down. There was silence for a long time.

“Josh, if you can’t even talk about it, how the hell do you think you’ll be able to do it?” Leo said softly, taking pity on the younger man. He moved his hands and placed them gently on Josh’s shoulders for a split second and then went and poured another glass of water. He brought this one back to the table and handed it to Josh who took it gratefully while Leo sat back down in his chair. Josh swallowed the water in one gulp and then sat up straight in his chair but kept his eyes fixed firmly on the table in front of him.

“I had a male lover at college. I’ve had anal sex, and I sucked him off. I didn’t sub to him because he wasn’t interested, but I wanted to,” he said, in a voice barely above a whisper. “I’ve fantasised about it all my life, since I was a kid, but I could never tell anyone – it was always my own dark secret. When I told my lover…I thought he’d reject me but he didn’t – it just wasn’t something he wanted to do. I’ve had girlfriends too, Leo. I love women – but you’ve been married and the President is married so I figure this isn’t about that. This is different, this is about something else entirely.” He ducked his head, still too shy to actually look at Leo after what he had just shared. “I always remembered what I had with my room-mate and I’ve always wanted it again…I’ve wanted it and more,” he whispered hoarsely.

There was silence for a long time – Josh seemed to have run out of steam; either that or his courage had failed him. Leo allowed the silence to linger for at least two minutes before finally breaking it.

“Nice try, Josh,” Leo chuckled and Josh’s head shot up to gaze at him, “but I’m not convinced.” He sat back and watched Josh’s eyes turn dark.

“I’m not lying!”

“I know…but you aren’t convincing me that this is what you need either, Josh, and I’m not going into this, I’m not taking you into this, unless I’m sure that it’s right for you and right now I’m not,” Leo said firmly. “Josh, you’re the son of one of my oldest friends. I’m not going to screw up your life and I’m sure as hell not going to take advantage of you in a vulnerable moment.”

“Please, Leo…I don’t know what I can say to make you agree. Just tell me why you won’t let me be part of this?”

“Because I don’t think you really know what you’re agreeing to, Josh. I accept that you think you want this, but how much of that is just so that you can get close to the President? Maybe you have a little crush on him? I wouldn’t be surprised – hell, I’d be the last person to be surprised,” Leo said with a self-deprecating shrug. “But we’re not talking about a Friday night fuck here.” He used the crude choice of word deliberately. “We’re talking about something special, something that brings us close – something precious, something that isn’t easily or lightly shared – something that very few people would understand. Why the hell should we make you a part of that, Josh?”

Josh’s innate personal insecurity was evident in his eyes, but Leo steeled himself against it. If Josh wanted this, let him fight for it, let him make Leo believe it could work – but what Josh said next took him totally by surprise.

“Everything you do you do for him, don’t you, Leo?” Josh said in a shaky voice. “I didn’t understand that.” He looked as if he’d just been winded by a sucker punch to the gut. “I should have – I know the way you look at him, and I know what you do for him…I just didn’t figure it out. I’m not here because you want me to be part of what you have with him, am I? I thought I was…I thought because you were the one who suggested it that you liked me, that you wanted me too, but that isn’t true. I’m here because he wants me to be part of it, and you’d do anything to keep him happy.”

Leo sat there, silent as a statue, his face immobile – he had the best poker face in town and he knew it. Nobody – nobody – knew what Leo McGarry was thinking or feeling unless he wanted them to know or he told them, but it was hard keeping his composure in the face of this most astute of observations. Josh Lyman, he thought to himself, had his own knack for understanding what motivated people.

“I love the President, Josh,” he said finally, keeping firm control over his voice so that Josh wouldn’t get an inkling of just how much he loved Jed Bartlet, just how much he’d suffer, sacrifice and endure for the other man. “I’d do anything for him – including turning you down if I don’t think this could work.”

Leo got up, and walked towards the door.

“It was you I loved first,” Josh said. Leo stopped dead in his tracks. “Not right at the beginning but soon after – when I started working with you on the campaign. Him…I used to wonder why you wasted so much of your affection on him – not your time, I could see that he was a good man and that he’d make a good president so I could understand you putting so much of your time into him, but I didn’t like him. I didn’t know him then.”

“He doesn’t let people know him,” Leo said, turning. “He doesn’t let people know him until he knows them, and then only if he likes them. He doesn’t want them knowing about that big heart of his in case they take advantage of it.”

“At first I couldn’t figure out what it was about you,” Josh continued, talking too fast. “I just knew I wanted to do my best work for you, I wanted you to be proud of me. I wanted to protect you when those bastards were gunning for you over your alcoholism. And then when you helped me, when I was falling apart, when you called in Stanley, when you waited for me all through that long day…I figured it out then. What confused me was that I felt the same way about the President too. Those days when I was in the hospital after the shooting, when you and he would visit me together…I was happier then than I’ve ever been in my life despite what I’d been through. I love him too, Leo. Just like you. I love him but I loved you first. I’m not talking about romantic love, or the love I’ve felt for the women in my life – I’m talking about something else, a different kind of love, the kind of love I think you understand because I think you feel it for him. That’s how I feel about you, Leo. I loved you first.”

Leo stood very still for a long time. He hadn’t expected this. Hadn’t anticipated it or wanted it – no, hadn’t thought he wanted it but now that it was said, now it was out in the open, he found himself strangely touched. It had been a long time since his own emotions had taken him by surprise in this way and he struggled with it for a moment. His feelings for Jed Bartlet had never been in question – he knew that Jed was the love of his life despite the long years he’d been married. What he had with Jed was so unique, so special; it meant everything to Leo, although he would go to his grave rather than admit that to anyone, least of all Jed himself. Jed knew anyway. Now here was this young man, someone he’d worked with and mentored, speaking of love, and offering to bring a new dimension to the love he shared with Jed. He thought of Jed, his eyes bright with the fire of his experience with Josh on Friday night, thought how much Jed wanted this and knew, for the first time, that he wanted it too, not just because Jed wanted it, but for himself, for both of them, and for Josh too.

Finally, he spoke. “It’s just Friday night, Josh – you don’t get to have him, or me, for any longer than that. And it wouldn’t be every Friday night – he needs some time alone with me, so all I can offer is every other Friday – at least to begin with.”

“Just being a part of what you two have, even just once a fortnight, would be enough,” Josh said softly.

“I’ll need your total, unquestioning obedience, Josh,” Leo said coming back to sit down at the table again. “On those Friday nights you spend with us anyway – at the office you can argue with me all you like – if you must.” He gave a wry smile. “But on those nights you’re with us, you do what I say and what he says, and you do it without question, and you give us everything you’d prefer to keep hidden inside. You give it all up to us. That’s the only way it ever works. I can’t undertake it for less. I told him that, and I’m telling you the same.”

“I can do that,” Josh said.

“It’s easier said than done, Josh.” Leo gave a sigh. “Sometimes it isn’t easy getting there. Sometimes, with him, it can take a long time. I’m used to him and I know what he needs but sometimes…sometimes I have to be very hard on him to get him there. Could you watch that?”

For the first time, Josh faltered. He dropped his gaze again, thought about it for a long time, and then nodded.

“I think I could, Leo, because I’d understand why he wanted it because I feel the same way,” he said.

“We would never, ever harm you, Josh,” Leo said softly. “But do you trust that? That, also, is easier said than done.”

“Leo, please, I do trust you,” Josh pleaded, his eyes almost desperate.

“Why, Josh? I’m a recovering alcoholic; why the hell would you trust me to whip you, to tie you up and play with your body until you scream with pleasure, with pain, with something somewhere between the two?” Leo asked, in low, gravelly tones. “Why would you trust me to do that, Josh?”

Josh swallowed hard but his eyes never broke contact. “You said it yourself, Leo,” he replied. “You’d never harm me. I believe that.”

“Do you trust me – or him – to lead you into the dark and out the other side? Do you really trust either of us to do that?” Leo said softly.

Josh was silent for a long time, and then, without warning, he got up, and knelt in front of Leo. Leo looked down on the bent head in front of him with surprise.

“Leo, please. Let me show you how much I want this,” Josh whispered.

He looked beautiful kneeling there, utterly submissive, having laid himself bare for the man he wanted so desperately to be his top – and for the first time Leo understood what Jed had meant when he had told him of Josh’s willingness to please and his compliance. Josh wanted to be handled, wanted to surrender himself in a way that Jed wanted too but which he found so very hard. The two of them were like chalk and cheese, and Leo knew that he had his hands full with a very difficult – and yet ultimately very rewarding task.

“Oh goddamn it, Josh,” he sighed, and then, because he couldn’t resist, he leaned forward, wrapped his arms around the man kneeling in front of him, and pulled him close.

~*~

Continued in Chapter 3